[ Something fills her chest rapidly and deflates just as quickly, some nervous energy dispelled when he affirms and reaffirms. Claire tries no to let it show through the white noise of his call. Once it settles, something different takes its place at the mention of Sylar. ]
It's what he would want even at home and whatever afterlife is there, Peter. That's what I was trying to tell you, at the ambulance. You don't honor his memory but putting it on a shelf and never moving from staring at it.
[ She feels like she's back with his blood all over her hands and down into the grooves of her fingernails. The metallic tang is almost tangible, in her mouth. ]
[ Peter knows how it sounds and Claire's words make him shrink back, shoulders dropping and words quieting into something frustrated and lost. He's horrible at this, he knows that, he learned it the painfully hard way but Nathan doesn't know that and it's the worst part. His brother wasn't there for his fucked up mourning process and now Peter can't help but feel like they were emotions he shouldn't have struggled with to begin with. Emotions he shouldn't be struggling with all over again.
He just can't help but feel like it shouldn't be Claire's responsibility to help him move on. ]
I've done everything but honor his memory. [ Peter shakes his head, trying not to wallow and failing miserably. ] Maybe he'll stop asking.
[ She would never want him to feel unjustified or wrong in his approach, but, still, it's frustrating. Everyone grieves in their own way, but if it means, in his case, that he's going to run out and do something reckless, Claire is fine with telling him how stupid he's being. Without having to confirm it, she knows that what she had said about Nathan being so pissed hadn't been a mistake. She just hates the idea of Peter having to deal with anything on his own.
Besides, she's the only one who gets to act reckless in this family. ]
[ Oh, c'mon, they share the reckless behavior gene. Peter even had it long before Claire was born, but it's not something he's inclined to brag about. If anything, it's something he'd prefer to brush under the rug while doling it out anyway - nailguns, anyone? Rash behavior has become his middle name and now he's struck trying to figure out how to behave in a world that's turned back the clock and expects him to deal with space all at the same time.
It's a little much all at once, but Peter snorts, shaking his head even if she can't see it. 'That's not how this works', he wants to say. There's no one else to do it, so he has to. All the reasons he's given himself before still exist but they're nothing he'd say out loud. Well, sort of. ]
But it's what i'm best at, Claire. [ He's teasing, or at least he's trying to. ] I feel like i've completely lost track of time. Five years and I don't even know what you've been doing. Apart from what I saw at the carnival. It's like I lost everything except Sylar.
[ He might actually be teasing, trying to, but Claire takes what he says to heart in a way that she's sure he'll anticipate. They do the same thing: try to turn things into a joke or find the humor in all the bleakness to make bearing the weight they have to shoulder a little easier. Peter can't hide from her, though, and he can't kid a kidder. Over the years she has gotten very good at hiding things and also very good at knowing when he isn't being entirely forthcoming.
Speaking of years... ]
I feel like time has no meaning in a place like this. We're all pulled from spots that are so completely different, it almost makes you wonder why trying to keep all of it in a cohesive line makes any difference at all. [ Of course it does, for reasons like the ones they've been discussing. ] I I've been here, you know. Just trying to... survive? Keep it together? Figure things out? I don't know. This is just like college but in space and maybe if college was made of nightmare fuel.
[ Although, considering her college experiences maybe that isn't too far off the mark. For a moment, Claire chews on her lip. ]
I hate hearing you say that. Everything except Sylar. It sounds all wrong.
I've started to think that time has whatever meaning you want it to have. And maybe it doesn't matter because we don't remember it, but while we're here it still means something. It's our reality. Like you said- we're all just figuring out how to survive, how to get by. How to live in this, and without the passing of time nothing we're experiencing is all that real.
I don't know. [ Peter's voice dwindles off for a few seconds, trying to gather his thoughts. ] Five years trying to stay sane might've made up my mind a little.
But It just is what it is, Claire. I don't even know if it's all that wrong anymore, he's just who I have. And I know I have you too, that's not what I mean. But you- you're somewhere else. All Sylar has is me. [ Peter says it the best way he knows how because he doesn't know how to make it easy. He doesn't know how to take the sting from the facts and can't begin to imagine what it's like for Claire to hear. He knows it hurts, that it's wrong, but he can't change what he's grown into.
[ She wants to say that she's come to the conclusion that time has no determination in her life because what is time to someone who's going to live forever? The thought is a lonely one, and it makes her feel precariously balanced on the line between panicking and resignation. Given the context of the conversation, it also leaves her terrified at the thought of being trapped with Sylar for the rest of forever, but at this point she isn't sure whether the sentiment would be understood or not. Sympathized with, probably, and she can't doubt Peter's capacity for empathy, especially when it comes to her. But it's different.
Distantly, she realizes that she feels a little sick. ]
I would have killed him. Found a way somehow. I told him, back when - [ Her voice catches, as the sequence of events catches up with her thought process, and she swallows bile. ] I told him that I would try to find a way every day to kill him. He came to school, you know. He created this whole illusion and k - [ What, Claire, forced himself on you, again? Pretended to kidnap your only friend so you could face some harsh truths? ] I get it. I get that you were trapped somewhere for so long, and I'm sorry that I was somewhere else. If I could have been there with you I would have, you know that. You've got me here, every step of the way.
[ He's not trying to wrack up the sympathy points, he really isn't. He isn't even reaching for empathy, but he doesn't know what he's reaching for in its wake. ] I couldn't get us out, just like I couldn't save Nathan- Emma, on my own. I couldn't bring him back, couldn't get him to stay. I wouldn't have needed Sylar if i'd just been able to do it on my own. And I couldn't do it. And now it's just- It just is and I don't need you to feel like it's your fault or like you could've been there to save me. It just happened and there isn't any going back. We'll go on, just like we always do.
[ Peter's not entirely sure about that. Without his abilities, without any number of things, he still doesn't feel whole. Hell, he's not sure he feels whole without Sylar around but they shared brainwaves for five years and it's something he can't discount. It's infuriating but like he's told Claire, it just is what it is. And now he has to keep going. ] I know I do. I know I have you.
[ She doesn't have to be sorry. That doesn't mean that she won't be until she manages to suss all this out, until she can gather it all up and put it away. ]
As long as you don't forget that. [ As frustrating as it would be, Claire really does want to argue the point of fault with him, because if she takes a lot onto her own shoulders, then he is the most realistic representation of Atlas she has ever come across. She just isn't sure she has it in her to break through. ] I'll keep reminding you if I have to.
I won't. [ There's something comforting, however small, in knowing he has one person on his side. He's not sure if he can even factor in Nathan when his brother feels so far out of the spectrum of knowing that even Peter has a hard time looking him in the eye but he's here. And he's supposed to be here for him. But that's just not how it works when Claire is here, in all the ways Peter knows she can be. And that's something. ]
You can remind me as much as you want.
[ a beat ] I should let you go. Let you get back to- whatever it was you were doing.
[ She will, too. Every day. Like an alarm. She can't stand the thought of him regressing the way that he had, danging from a wire, hanging on a trigger finger. Too much has happened, both here and at home, for them to abandon each other or even entertain the idea. He's always managed to be a rock for her, and, Claire thinks, she has for him as well. No matter how much she might doubt herself, that one thing has always been constant. ]
I wasn't doing anything, not really. [ Which gives her a thought. ] Let's make it a point to see each other on a regular basis. I think everyone in this place needs a little consistency. That can be ours.
[ He says it like the snap of a whip, something sudden and precise and altogether blunt. Peter's not sure if it's because he hasn't said it yet or because he just needs her to know but it's there nonetheless, filling in the gaps between the response to her words and all the other things he's too bent out of shape to begin to try and say. ]
Yeah, sure. Sounds good. I wouldn't mind seeing you regularly- obviously, checking up on things, seeing how they're going with you. Been thinking I haven't been seeing enough of you, anyway. We can pick a time and a place or just go with what seems right. [ There's another moment of hesitation, waiting for the right second to say something that's never really wrong. But it's still important in the same way that it's been from the start, something their relationship centered around and brought to life in a moment where neither of them had anyone else. ]
[ Her grin is instant and small, and she's thankful that she's not having this conversation face to face, even if she's never had to feel abashed around Peter. That's the brilliance of their relationship, and why she's privately always felt that it worked so well in its conception. Claire has never had any reason to feel self-conscious around him. Right from the start, nothing was off the table. It didn't matter. She traveled halfway across the country on her own, just on a hunch, and it paid off and hasn't stopped paying off, regardless of how frustrated she's been with him in the past. ]
I know. [ She says it confidently, because she wants to impart that same confidence in him. ] You always are. Now you can just be there in space, too. [ In some way, it warms her, dispels all of the earlier anxiety - although she knows that will return - to know that, finally, for all the variables and insanities that the Tranquility throws their way, they are at least in the same place at the same time, together, for once. ] I'll text you.
[ It's there, the 'I know' and Peter instantly feels a weight that's been lifted that he hadn't been quite sure was there. But apparently he needed to say it more than he realized, a symbiotic understanding that was silently shared between them but couldn't be broken even in space. It just made sense, the way they functioned against each other and there was no changing the facts that they just worked. They made it through the worst of it with the wind at their backs and Peter knew the storm that was far too sharp between them could only last for so long. ]
Wouldn't want it any other way. [ He nods even though she can't see it; has to because he agrees with everything and can't help himself from a small act that dictates just how much he realizes in so few words. ] I'll wait to hear from you then.
[ Claire thinks that she can hear the movement of skin and air against the communicator, can imagine his head dipping in that way it does, confirmation, and she pushes her own blonde hair back from her face where it's fallen down around her ears, enclosing her and his voice in this tiny world while she sits cross-legged on her cot. ]
I'll talk to you soon, Peter. [ Ever-present warmth, there, in her voice. It doesn't matter. She can't stay angry or upset or frustrated or anything that doesn't involve putting half of who she is into loving him. He's Peter. ] Bye.
[ Every ounce of Peter is one that doesn't want to break Claire more than he possibly has to. Which is none at all if he's thinking about it - he shouldn't have to break her at all and so he tries his hardest not to. By covering it all up and trying to be someone he isn't while trying to be everything he possibly can be for her. It mixes it all up into something indistinguishable, but it's what they have and it's whats important.
It's them. And it's all he has; her warmth and the way she easily slips into this thing that only exists in the world they've created. ]
Bye, Claire. [ There's only a momentary pause before Peter finally turns his communicator off and pockets it, heading out on his way. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
and then i replied three days later
It's what he would want even at home and whatever afterlife is there, Peter. That's what I was trying to tell you, at the ambulance. You don't honor his memory but putting it on a shelf and never moving from staring at it.
[ She feels like she's back with his blood all over her hands and down into the grooves of her fingernails. The metallic tang is almost tangible, in her mouth. ]
and then i still adored you anyway
He just can't help but feel like it shouldn't be Claire's responsibility to help him move on. ]
I've done everything but honor his memory. [ Peter shakes his head, trying not to wallow and failing miserably. ] Maybe he'll stop asking.
/rolls on
Besides, she's the only one who gets to act reckless in this family. ]
You have got to stop beating yourself up.
/gift wraps
It's a little much all at once, but Peter snorts, shaking his head even if she can't see it. 'That's not how this works', he wants to say. There's no one else to do it, so he has to. All the reasons he's given himself before still exist but they're nothing he'd say out loud. Well, sort of. ]
But it's what i'm best at, Claire. [ He's teasing, or at least he's trying to. ] I feel like i've completely lost track of time. Five years and I don't even know what you've been doing. Apart from what I saw at the carnival. It's like I lost everything except Sylar.
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Speaking of years... ]
I feel like time has no meaning in a place like this. We're all pulled from spots that are so completely different, it almost makes you wonder why trying to keep all of it in a cohesive line makes any difference at all. [ Of course it does, for reasons like the ones they've been discussing. ] I I've been here, you know. Just trying to... survive? Keep it together? Figure things out? I don't know. This is just like college but in space and maybe if college was made of nightmare fuel.
[ Although, considering her college experiences maybe that isn't too far off the mark. For a moment, Claire chews on her lip. ]
I hate hearing you say that. Everything except Sylar. It sounds all wrong.
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I don't know. [ Peter's voice dwindles off for a few seconds, trying to gather his thoughts. ] Five years trying to stay sane might've made up my mind a little.
But It just is what it is, Claire. I don't even know if it's all that wrong anymore, he's just who I have. And I know I have you too, that's not what I mean. But you- you're somewhere else. All Sylar has is me. [ Peter says it the best way he knows how because he doesn't know how to make it easy. He doesn't know how to take the sting from the facts and can't begin to imagine what it's like for Claire to hear. He knows it hurts, that it's wrong, but he can't change what he's grown into.
What he's given up. ]
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Distantly, she realizes that she feels a little sick. ]
I would have killed him. Found a way somehow. I told him, back when - [ Her voice catches, as the sequence of events catches up with her thought process, and she swallows bile. ] I told him that I would try to find a way every day to kill him. He came to school, you know. He created this whole illusion and k - [ What, Claire, forced himself on you, again? Pretended to kidnap your only friend so you could face some harsh truths? ] I get it. I get that you were trapped somewhere for so long, and I'm sorry that I was somewhere else. If I could have been there with you I would have, you know that. You've got me here, every step of the way.
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[ He's not trying to wrack up the sympathy points, he really isn't. He isn't even reaching for empathy, but he doesn't know what he's reaching for in its wake. ] I couldn't get us out, just like I couldn't save Nathan- Emma, on my own. I couldn't bring him back, couldn't get him to stay. I wouldn't have needed Sylar if i'd just been able to do it on my own. And I couldn't do it. And now it's just- It just is and I don't need you to feel like it's your fault or like you could've been there to save me. It just happened and there isn't any going back. We'll go on, just like we always do.
[ Peter's not entirely sure about that. Without his abilities, without any number of things, he still doesn't feel whole. Hell, he's not sure he feels whole without Sylar around but they shared brainwaves for five years and it's something he can't discount. It's infuriating but like he's told Claire, it just is what it is. And now he has to keep going. ] I know I do. I know I have you.
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As long as you don't forget that. [ As frustrating as it would be, Claire really does want to argue the point of fault with him, because if she takes a lot onto her own shoulders, then he is the most realistic representation of Atlas she has ever come across. She just isn't sure she has it in her to break through. ] I'll keep reminding you if I have to.
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You can remind me as much as you want.
[ a beat ] I should let you go. Let you get back to- whatever it was you were doing.
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I wasn't doing anything, not really. [ Which gives her a thought. ] Let's make it a point to see each other on a regular basis. I think everyone in this place needs a little consistency. That can be ours.
no subject
[ He says it like the snap of a whip, something sudden and precise and altogether blunt. Peter's not sure if it's because he hasn't said it yet or because he just needs her to know but it's there nonetheless, filling in the gaps between the response to her words and all the other things he's too bent out of shape to begin to try and say. ]
Yeah, sure. Sounds good. I wouldn't mind seeing you regularly- obviously, checking up on things, seeing how they're going with you. Been thinking I haven't been seeing enough of you, anyway. We can pick a time and a place or just go with what seems right. [ There's another moment of hesitation, waiting for the right second to say something that's never really wrong. But it's still important in the same way that it's been from the start, something their relationship centered around and brought to life in a moment where neither of them had anyone else. ]
As long as it's you.
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I know. [ She says it confidently, because she wants to impart that same confidence in him. ] You always are. Now you can just be there in space, too. [ In some way, it warms her, dispels all of the earlier anxiety - although she knows that will return - to know that, finally, for all the variables and insanities that the Tranquility throws their way, they are at least in the same place at the same time, together, for once. ] I'll text you.
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Wouldn't want it any other way. [ He nods even though she can't see it; has to because he agrees with everything and can't help himself from a small act that dictates just how much he realizes in so few words. ] I'll wait to hear from you then.
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I'll talk to you soon, Peter. [ Ever-present warmth, there, in her voice. It doesn't matter. She can't stay angry or upset or frustrated or anything that doesn't involve putting half of who she is into loving him. He's Peter. ] Bye.
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It's them. And it's all he has; her warmth and the way she easily slips into this thing that only exists in the world they've created. ]
Bye, Claire. [ There's only a momentary pause before Peter finally turns his communicator off and pockets it, heading out on his way. ]