Look, all the stuff with Peter, it's a lot of extremely personal stuff, and I'm not just going to spill it all out when you're keeping me arm's distance away for reasons I don't even know and you won't even tell me why.
Is this not actually affecting you? I don't know, Claire, you're the one who told me about it, I really am not going to try and make you say anything, I was just bloody asking about it because it was what you said you were upset about.
I don't have enough room for that conversation right now. I don't know. I don't know why I said it in the first place. It was stupid. Thank you for asking, but I can't.
[ A couple of hours later finds her navigating the stretch of hallway outside of the labs with a dull sense of purpose and a sharp prick of hesitation. She sucks at this, and she knows that. It's been thrown into sharp relief a lot more recently, and Claire knows at times that she's selfish and has to enjoy the fallout as a result of that, but she doesn't feel unjustified in being annoyed. And not even so much annoyed as just. Just. Her lungs feel like they're holding in a long drag that they can't go of, that same anxiety that swelled when Gretchen left and didn't burst until after Thanksgiving.
It's so stupid.
Familiar enough with the lab by now, she takes direction only when she stops and asks someone for confirmation. Eventually Claire spots the inky smudge of him, and, yeah, he's probably busy, but that doesn't dissuade her. When he looks up, he'll get the door sliding shut behind her and a brief but awkward - ]
[ For as badly as he's been handling his 'social life' this month, Severus wasn't lying about being busy. His workspace has taken over more tables, and he's in the middle of slicing long flat leaves into slivers with a silver knife when Claire finds him.
He raises his head, poised over his work, gloved fingertips holding down leaves, bare ones curled around metal.
He looks tired. ]
Hello.
[ It probably seems alien and insane to her, that they could go from whatever that was just after the jump to this, but it makes perfect sense to him. ]
[ Coming more deliberately into the room provides her with a more detailed look at things. Of course the space has always been occupied, extensively so, but it appears more crowded and has obviously overflown into other work spaces. Her desire to touch and poke her nose is overcome only by her knowledge that okay, now she's here, so something has to be done about it. It isn't like she can just stand in the doorway for five minutes, say hello, decide it isn't worth it, and then turn around and leave again. So she takes a couple steps into the room, heels sliding over the floor, and stops some quasi distance across from where he's bent over.
She's gone over this conversation a hundred times and a hundred different ways in her head, and she knows exactly what she's going to say as soon as she opens her mouth. ]
I'm making a painkilling potion for someone with a chronic condition.
[ Someone named Charles, who isn't in charge of Xenogen because he told Severus I can't then sulked about it for a whole fortnight. It's not Severus's fault, and now he's stuck grafted closer to the ship with a new number that means Merlin-knows-what. Thanks Xavier. ]
[ That isn't meant as some kind of pot shot, and she hopes that it doesn't sound like it. Her fingers curl over the back of a chair, and she's all the way across the room now, leaning her weight to one side as she looks at each item on the table with varying levels of recognition. Another time, she might ask if there's something that she could do to help, but not right now. Right now she's too busy stalling. ]
[ It does sound like it, a little, and Severus gives her a look that's slightly wry. Because this is part of why he's busy - he has patients. (And now the person who should be head of this department is one. Amazing.) ]
Yes.
[ Which is why he's stopped working on it, hands rested on the tabletop, watching her. ]
[ Her mouth immediately molds into shape around a sorry. What she's sorry for, she can't be certain, whether it's for interrupting or just standing there or having that come out in a way she hadn't meant. She doesn't say it regardless. She isn't even entirely sure why she feels the need to press forward so diligently. Probably she should just cut her losses but in a way that feels like playing into something self-fulfilling and Claire isn't interested in anymore of that nonsense. And maybe she wants to prove something to him, just a little. Not to mention clear her own grievances.
So, she doesn't say that she's sorry, because she's not. ]
Look. [ That's about as far as she gets before she has to pause and actively make the decision to just push right through. ] You think that maybe you're the only one who's bad at this, but you're wrong for a lot of reasons. I have had two real relationships in the last... ever, and I have managed to mess both of them up in a lot of ways. So when you're there and... that, and then you're not? After I've told you like three times not to push me away and actually really meant it? [ She stalls and grounds to a halt. This was a lot easier when she had prepared a speech for Noah. She's been used to his scrutiny for years. ] I understand it. You're busy. Obviously. [ Her arm makes a sweeping motion over the tabletop. ] I get it. But you can't just go from that to this and expect it to just be okay and for me not to say or do something about it. What am I supposed to think? You jerk away and that's just supposed to be something that I accept, and move on? Like, what I just have a running tally that I keep adding to? That's... it's bullshit. All of it. I actually trust you, and I don't like feeling like we're far apart, especially with everything that goes on here. It's stupid.
[ And that is that and a couple hours worth of ruminating and she is just going to stand there now like a puffed up bird with her feathers all ruffled and her face slowly turning into a tomato. ]
[ Severus listens but partway through he looks away, expression frustrated and still very tired. He understands what she's saying but she doesn't seem to understand how difficult it is for him. That he hasn't done anything to her, he's always-- he's tried to treat her as kindly as he knows how and has respected her more than most people. He doesn't want her to end up hating him like Lily, so why can't she just step back now? ]
You said you hate it when I get like this.
[ He feels defensive, even though he knows he shouldn't be. He's forgotten how to deal with people honestly; Albus is one thing, knowing all his secrets, he can't get worse there. ]
What am I supposed to do?
[ Because he doesn't become this. He is this. ]
Edited (I DECIDED I HATED THIS ENTIRE TAG SO I REWROTE IT SORRY) 2014-07-28 07:54 (UTC)
[ Not do that, is what she wants to say, but even as the words take shape in the back of her mind, Claire knows that they aren't worthwhile things to say. That leaves her with nothing, though, just staring at him blankly and then at the table like it's going to have the answers stamped across it in bright red lettering. Not that red is a good color on this ship. She hopes this line of thinking doesn't show on her face and shrugs a shoulder. ]
Make some exceptions? I don't know, Severus. Try to? I don't know what else I have to say or do or how I can make it come out in a way that doesn't sound stupid or more demanding. Sometimes I want to pull back, too, and not just from you but from everyone. Because it's like, why wouldn't I? But then I don't because it's worth it.
[ Which she isn't even sure makes very much sense, and while the expression on her face and her overall body language make it clear that she isn't finished just prattling on like she knows what she's talking about, Claire has to pick up some pen on the table and fidget with it before she feels comfortable enough to reevaluate. ]
Stop keeping me some carefully calculated distance away, I guess. I know that it's not easy, and I know you don't have the best track record with people and I understand it, I do, but it's not easy for me either. Do you know how terrifying this is? [ And she kind of laughs as she gestures between them, trying to dispel tension and nerves and finding all of it kind of ridiculous. ] I am not good at this. At all. My track record? Just. No. But I'm trying. Because I actually do care about you, and I think it's gonna be worth it. So. Yeah.
I don't think you do understand it. [ is defensive, but he can't help it. She doesn't understand what it's like to have grown up like he did, to have had his childhood, his school years, his mistakes. Severus doesn't quite have the presence of mind to articulate 'I don't have the skills to accept someone staying close to me because no one ever has and I don't know how'; all he knows is that people getting close to him is an immediate precursor to things going straight to hell.
And maybe he doesn't want her to get closer. Maybe even if he knew how to do it he wouldn't, because of what she'd see. Maybe he doesn't want anyone who would actually accept the things he's done, and doesn't want to know if she will. ]
It's too much for me. Yet.
[ That's the best he can do. She's trying to make him give in (which he can't) or force him to hurt her deliberately to get her to stop (which he won't) and he doesn't know what to do. At all. ]
[ For what feels like a long time, Claire doesn't say anything. In reality, she doubts it's longer than several seconds, but when you're measuring time by silences, somehow it always turns into hours. She hadn't been sure what to expect after word vomiting all over the lab, and she isn't even sure what she's supposed to expect or even do following what she's gotten. It's frustrating, because she feels like if she backs up and allots him the space required to function, she's just going to prove what he already believes about himself and about her and about everyone else, and if she keeps pressing forward and hoping for what she does, it's going to implode and she'll end up losing him anyway.
Her mouth is dry, and she draws her shoulders up for a breath that she doesn't quite let go of. ]
Alright. [ Another pause. ] Well, I don't know what else to do or say so whenever you decide that it's not too much, you know how to get in touch with me.
[ Claire thinks that she would like to understand, the same way she would like him to understand some of the things about her that she can't really bring herself to talk about, but it's not the time or the place, and she's left wondering if that's ever going to come around at all. ]
[ It would be easier for him to accept if he was serving some practical purpose for her. With most other people he tolerates fraternizing with, he knows he's serving a purpose, maybe with the intel he can provide - be it about recon, or the ship, or magic, or even smaller, more benign things. With others it's how he can help them. He has nothing to offer Claire, who doesn't need help, who doesn't have a job on the ship.
It's just him, just the two of them, and it doesn't make any sense. ]
Yes.
[ He does. But he needs time to decide how to handle it.
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[ It's bothering you enough to have signed off of a fight with it. ]
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It's so stupid.
Familiar enough with the lab by now, she takes direction only when she stops and asks someone for confirmation. Eventually Claire spots the inky smudge of him, and, yeah, he's probably busy, but that doesn't dissuade her. When he looks up, he'll get the door sliding shut behind her and a brief but awkward - ]
Hey.
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He raises his head, poised over his work, gloved fingertips holding down leaves, bare ones curled around metal.
He looks tired. ]
Hello.
[ It probably seems alien and insane to her, that they could go from whatever that was just after the jump to this, but it makes perfect sense to him. ]
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She's gone over this conversation a hundred times and a hundred different ways in her head, and she knows exactly what she's going to say as soon as she opens her mouth. ]
What's that you're doing?
[ Okay that is not what she was going to say. ]
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[ Someone named Charles, who isn't in charge of Xenogen because he told Severus I can't then sulked about it for a whole fortnight. It's not Severus's fault, and now he's stuck grafted closer to the ship with a new number that means Merlin-knows-what. Thanks Xavier. ]
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[ That isn't meant as some kind of pot shot, and she hopes that it doesn't sound like it. Her fingers curl over the back of a chair, and she's all the way across the room now, leaning her weight to one side as she looks at each item on the table with varying levels of recognition. Another time, she might ask if there's something that she could do to help, but not right now. Right now she's too busy stalling. ]
Is it very complicated?
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Yes.
[ Which is why he's stopped working on it, hands rested on the tabletop, watching her. ]
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So, she doesn't say that she's sorry, because she's not. ]
Look. [ That's about as far as she gets before she has to pause and actively make the decision to just push right through. ] You think that maybe you're the only one who's bad at this, but you're wrong for a lot of reasons. I have had two real relationships in the last... ever, and I have managed to mess both of them up in a lot of ways. So when you're there and... that, and then you're not? After I've told you like three times not to push me away and actually really meant it? [ She stalls and grounds to a halt. This was a lot easier when she had prepared a speech for Noah. She's been used to his scrutiny for years. ] I understand it. You're busy. Obviously. [ Her arm makes a sweeping motion over the tabletop. ] I get it. But you can't just go from that to this and expect it to just be okay and for me not to say or do something about it. What am I supposed to think? You jerk away and that's just supposed to be something that I accept, and move on? Like, what I just have a running tally that I keep adding to? That's... it's bullshit. All of it. I actually trust you, and I don't like feeling like we're far apart, especially with everything that goes on here. It's stupid.
[ And that is that and a couple hours worth of ruminating and she is just going to stand there now like a puffed up bird with her feathers all ruffled and her face slowly turning into a tomato. ]
And that's it. That's all I wanted to say.
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You said you hate it when I get like this.
[ He feels defensive, even though he knows he shouldn't be. He's forgotten how to deal with people honestly; Albus is one thing, knowing all his secrets, he can't get worse there. ]
What am I supposed to do?
[ Because he doesn't become this. He is this. ]
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Make some exceptions? I don't know, Severus. Try to? I don't know what else I have to say or do or how I can make it come out in a way that doesn't sound stupid or more demanding. Sometimes I want to pull back, too, and not just from you but from everyone. Because it's like, why wouldn't I? But then I don't because it's worth it.
[ Which she isn't even sure makes very much sense, and while the expression on her face and her overall body language make it clear that she isn't finished just prattling on like she knows what she's talking about, Claire has to pick up some pen on the table and fidget with it before she feels comfortable enough to reevaluate. ]
Stop keeping me some carefully calculated distance away, I guess. I know that it's not easy, and I know you don't have the best track record with people and I understand it, I do, but it's not easy for me either. Do you know how terrifying this is? [ And she kind of laughs as she gestures between them, trying to dispel tension and nerves and finding all of it kind of ridiculous. ] I am not good at this. At all. My track record? Just. No. But I'm trying. Because I actually do care about you, and I think it's gonna be worth it. So. Yeah.
[ She puts the pen back on the table. ]
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And maybe he doesn't want her to get closer. Maybe even if he knew how to do it he wouldn't, because of what she'd see. Maybe he doesn't want anyone who would actually accept the things he's done, and doesn't want to know if she will. ]
It's too much for me. Yet.
[ That's the best he can do. She's trying to make him give in (which he can't) or force him to hurt her deliberately to get her to stop (which he won't) and he doesn't know what to do. At all. ]
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Her mouth is dry, and she draws her shoulders up for a breath that she doesn't quite let go of. ]
Alright. [ Another pause. ] Well, I don't know what else to do or say so whenever you decide that it's not too much, you know how to get in touch with me.
[ Claire thinks that she would like to understand, the same way she would like him to understand some of the things about her that she can't really bring herself to talk about, but it's not the time or the place, and she's left wondering if that's ever going to come around at all. ]
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It's just him, just the two of them, and it doesn't make any sense. ]
Yes.
[ He does. But he needs time to decide how to handle it.
If at all. ]
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