[ She has the distinct urge to nudge him with the side of her shoe and say something like Imagine that, but the timing isn't really great so she just keeps it to herself, turns the tips of her toes inward instead and presses them into each other. Her voice, when she speaks up again, is the vocal equivalent of a shrug. ]
It isn't a bad idea. The have a whole major dedicated to being undeclared in college. Why not in space, too? [ As far as the idea of being in agriculture goes, it's true, she hadn't actually considered it, though now that he brings it up, it's with a whole different set of reasons outside of not wanting to be a farmer. ] I don't know the first thing about keeping an oxygen garden alive.
[ She doesn't mean to have a defeatist attitude; she just hasn't felt very confident about excelling at anything other than being a meat shield in a very long time. Also, this seems like a very odd turn in conversation, but sh still doesn't question it. ]
You're going to have to learn something no matter where you end up.
[ Gently said. Well. Gently for him.
He tries not to harp on people working and for the most part, he doesn't-- but with Claire he feels like she really needs to. Really. Because if she's working then he can find some way to be helpful, or talk to her about it, and then he'll feel less completely fucking insane about this whole thing.
(Also he just hates it when people don't work. On principle.) ]
You could figure it out. You're smarter than you seem to believe you are.
[ If she's being honest, there's a degree of self-aware embarrassment that comes creeping along every time she has this conversation with someone. In college, it had been sort of expected and understood - unless you were Annie - not to really have a direction, at least from the start. But here there's a sharpness to it that leaves her feeling somewhat inadequate despite her inability to make a decision. Her father runs Comms. Peter is in charge of Medical. Severus is so smart it's practically bleeding out of his eyeballs. Everyone she knows is exceptional at something, and she has not known what she was doing for the last two or three years as a general rule.
Is it bad to wait for something terrible to happen? At least then she feels useful.
And how the hell did they get on this topic anyway? ]
Thanks. [ She says it in a dubious way but doesn't seem any less grateful for the compliment. ] I know I need to find something. For something to do if nothing else. I just have no idea what I'm good at. I've never had much of a... trajectory, in that way. Do you know who's in charge of agriculture, off hand?
[ And by their powers combined... Claire isn't sure what she finds more interesting and, consequently, borderline amusing: the fact that he does career counseling or the fact that he gets angry letters. She knows which one she finds more believable. ]
Why, because you tell a lot of kids that they'd be better off as the magical equivalent of a McDonald's employee?
Sort of the opposite. Trying to get children to aim for something above the lowest bar.
[ Whether it's encouraging breaking away from the notion of being a kept housewife or embarking on something they're actually skilled at instead of what their parents want-- a lot of old families balk at his direction. Oh well.
[ Not that there's any heat behind it, though she wouldn't adequately classify it as teasing. Kind of like wanting to nudge him with her toe in a good-natured way but holding back at the last moment. Somehow, it just doesn't seem appropriate or practical given the circumstances. She can imagine parents of students encouraged - or, rather, maybe not exactly discouraged - to slack off coming up against him. She doesn't envy them.
More silence, and Claire doesn't move to stretch it or end it, unsure of where she hangs in the limbo of the conversation. Should she leave? Because he'd like it if she did or because she really just should? There's no determining factor there, and stubbornness, as has been standard, keeps her there, though she does pull her legs back to herself once more. She looks up at him, her curtain of hair - over-long for its cut - falls over her shoulders. ]
I probably should want you to, right? You've given me about a hundred chances to tell you to go away since I met you, and I know you want me to say yes to that. [ How's that for a non-answer. ] I would really appreciate it if you didn't. I'm getting tired of chasing you all over this damn ship.
[ She isn't asking him to, not entirely. If she expected him to be anyone else then this wouldn't be such an issue. Which is probably some kind of oxymoronic conundrum but right now there's no patience afforded to examine it. ]
I'm not expecting you to change at the drop of a hat. This, all of this, that was more than I expected. [ She brushes her legs off again, eager for something to do with her hands. ] You don't have to stick around, now, if you don't want. I could probably go see a guy about some gardening.
He needs-- breathing room. Silence. This has been a lot. He wanted her to know and, viscerally, he wanted her to yell and leave because that would have made sense. He doesn't know what's going to happen from now on, though. He needs to decompress. ]
[ Which feels a little like running the risk of leaving things on an uncertain note and falling back into prior habits, but she's going to take it at face value just this once. Claire gets to her feet, brushing her legs and backside off as she stands. Grass falls around her feet. She considers extending a hand and giving him a leg up but thinks better of it last minute, tucking her hands into her back pockets. From above him she offers a tight-lipped but pleasant smile. One of her hands works its way out of her pocket so that she can wave... from two feet away. ]
I'll see you later, Severus.
[ From there she can figure her way out on her own. And maybe everything else as well. ]
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It isn't a bad idea. The have a whole major dedicated to being undeclared in college. Why not in space, too? [ As far as the idea of being in agriculture goes, it's true, she hadn't actually considered it, though now that he brings it up, it's with a whole different set of reasons outside of not wanting to be a farmer. ] I don't know the first thing about keeping an oxygen garden alive.
[ She doesn't mean to have a defeatist attitude; she just hasn't felt very confident about excelling at anything other than being a meat shield in a very long time. Also, this seems like a very odd turn in conversation, but sh still doesn't question it. ]
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[ Gently said. Well. Gently for him.
He tries not to harp on people working and for the most part, he doesn't-- but with Claire he feels like she really needs to. Really. Because if she's working then he can find some way to be helpful, or talk to her about it, and then he'll feel less completely fucking insane about this whole thing.
(Also he just hates it when people don't work. On principle.) ]
You could figure it out. You're smarter than you seem to believe you are.
no subject
Is it bad to wait for something terrible to happen? At least then she feels useful.
And how the hell did they get on this topic anyway? ]
Thanks. [ She says it in a dubious way but doesn't seem any less grateful for the compliment. ] I know I need to find something. For something to do if nothing else. I just have no idea what I'm good at. I've never had much of a... trajectory, in that way. Do you know who's in charge of agriculture, off hand?
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[ ... Yep. ]
I have to do career counseling. For my students.
[ He sounds like he's not sure if he should make that a punchline. But: ] I get a lot of angry letters from parents.
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[ And by their powers combined... Claire isn't sure what she finds more interesting and, consequently, borderline amusing: the fact that he does career counseling or the fact that he gets angry letters. She knows which one she finds more believable. ]
Why, because you tell a lot of kids that they'd be better off as the magical equivalent of a McDonald's employee?
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[ Whether it's encouraging breaking away from the notion of being a kept housewife or embarking on something they're actually skilled at instead of what their parents want-- a lot of old families balk at his direction. Oh well.
After a while, ] Do you want me to leave?
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[ Not that there's any heat behind it, though she wouldn't adequately classify it as teasing. Kind of like wanting to nudge him with her toe in a good-natured way but holding back at the last moment. Somehow, it just doesn't seem appropriate or practical given the circumstances. She can imagine parents of students encouraged - or, rather, maybe not exactly discouraged - to slack off coming up against him. She doesn't envy them.
More silence, and Claire doesn't move to stretch it or end it, unsure of where she hangs in the limbo of the conversation. Should she leave? Because he'd like it if she did or because she really just should? There's no determining factor there, and stubbornness, as has been standard, keeps her there, though she does pull her legs back to herself once more. She looks up at him, her curtain of hair - over-long for its cut - falls over her shoulders. ]
I probably should want you to, right? You've given me about a hundred chances to tell you to go away since I met you, and I know you want me to say yes to that. [ How's that for a non-answer. ] I would really appreciate it if you didn't. I'm getting tired of chasing you all over this damn ship.
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[ Not an argument. In fact it's-- an improvement. Implying he'll try to adapt at all is as close to a forward step as he's gotten so far.
All right, Claire. But she has to understand he can't transform into a different person overnight. ]
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I'm not expecting you to change at the drop of a hat. This, all of this, that was more than I expected. [ She brushes her legs off again, eager for something to do with her hands. ] You don't have to stick around, now, if you don't want. I could probably go see a guy about some gardening.
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He needs-- breathing room. Silence. This has been a lot. He wanted her to know and, viscerally, he wanted her to yell and leave because that would have made sense. He doesn't know what's going to happen from now on, though. He needs to decompress. ]
I'll see you soon, then.
no subject
[ Which feels a little like running the risk of leaving things on an uncertain note and falling back into prior habits, but she's going to take it at face value just this once. Claire gets to her feet, brushing her legs and backside off as she stands. Grass falls around her feet. She considers extending a hand and giving him a leg up but thinks better of it last minute, tucking her hands into her back pockets. From above him she offers a tight-lipped but pleasant smile. One of her hands works its way out of her pocket so that she can wave... from two feet away. ]
I'll see you later, Severus.
[ From there she can figure her way out on her own. And maybe everything else as well. ]