Yes. [ If it counts for anything, he does sound a little sorry about it. Severus never disliked Kate - even now, he approaches the situation understand that she's been through a serious ordeal. But despite what measure of respect he had (has?) for her, he never once trusted her. She's a muggle. He can't. ]
Someone traced it, and she didn't deny it. [ And apologized, but only to one person and under a lock; Severus doesn't believe it was sincere, given what she was saying so freely when she thought she was anonymous. ]
[ It's a conversation that she knows she'll have to have with the other girl at some point. She owes Kate that much, as a friend, to get her version of things. But even then. She's been able to get past knowing worse about other people, her father for starters, but that doesn't mean that getting beyond it means you ever forget about it. It just lurks there like a cancer, waiting to spread spindly fingers out to other interactions where it can expand and eventually explode.
Darcy's abrupt inclusion in this catches her by surprise, and Claire sincerely hopes that she's not going to find some degree of culpability there, too. ]
So? [ She's human, too. She spent a long time struggling with that justification. ] I understand Kate given the context, but Darcy?
Darcy's human with or without context. [ His tone is subdued - far from hostile. He's not accusing the other young woman of anything, but he's just saying. Claire is on her own between them. When it comes down to it, no matter how kind anyone seems, people are always going to pick the side with their own people on it. ]
I'm just telling you. I'm not telling you to-- do or think anything about it.
[ Somehow, she manages to keep her voice level, manages to convince herself not to get upset. It's an old wound, a phantom pain that twinges when she least expects it, but for the most part she's staunched the bleeding. ]
I get it. We're different. The second I figured out what I was, what I could do, I gave myself endless grief about whether or not I was actually a human being and not just some freak of nature. I tried - [ She's resolutely not going to talk about how she came up with various ways to severely injure herself. And video taped them. ] - that point of view is something that I struggled with for a long time. I can't believe that everyone who's not like me is out to get me, just like I can't believe that everyone who is like me is gonna try to kill me or someone else. I did that for years, and all it ever got me was alone, walls up.
[ She scratches her fingers through her hair and rolls her lips together, biting down on them, thinking about Gretchen without even having to try very hard. It isn't the first time that she's missed her since she's been here, but right now it's so acute she can nearly taste it. ]
I know what you're trying to tell me. I do. And I'm gonna think about it no matter what. Trust me, it's already something that's crossed my mind a hundred times, here and at home.
But it's a kind of optimism he can't get behind. Severus fought a war. Nothing is better now. People are dead, and everything else is the same. ]
The opposite of human isn't a freak of nature. [ That's something they've put into her head; she only thought that because it's their mindset, the one she had before she knew she was different. Better. Above them.
They don't have to be out to get her to hate her. Muggles don't have to be actively trying to kill witches to ruin their lives. Mutant, posthuman, wizard - among baselines and muggles, they are already alone. ]
[ Claire would like to believe that it's optimism, but in reality it's much harsher than that. Deep down, she knows what he does, and she's seen it first hand, how terrible that people who aren't like her and people who are can be. Look what her father has done his entire life, what Nathan did to them, because they were different. No recognition of that can make her any less responsible for what she's done now.
So she has to be right. People have to be better than she innately believes them to be, because if they aren't and what he's experienced and what she desperately wants not to believe is the truth, then there's a good chance she has just fucked up the lives of countless people who didn't sign up for and didn't want the attention her actions are going to bring to them. And that isn't a responsibility that she can entertain without wanting to consistently and violently throw up. ]
I know that now. I didn't at sixteen. At sixteen all I cared about were SAT scores and stupid school dances. [ Saying that out loud makes her feel about a hundred miles away from that place, that time, in her life. None of it seems real anymore. ] And I know you aren't trying to do anything, either. It's just - something - I think about that kind of thing a lot. It's still a relatively new thing, for as much as I've been over it. You've been through a hell of a lot more than I have. I hope you don't think I don't value your opinion just because I want it to be wrong.
[ The reality of it is that she has probably very severely fucked up life for a lot of people. She hopes that she doesn't look a little green. ]
Everyone is that bad. They will always be that bad. They're a disgusting plague upon the earth, a virus demolishing all sustainable resources, and they should all be killed. He's 'reformed' enough to have dialed down his hateful bloodlust, he's capable of accepting A Muggle, but he'll never accept muggles, and he'll never trust any of them.
But his own people hate him, too, so what the fuck is his insight really worth. She's wrong about it and he knows she is, but he doesn't have any fight left in him about it.
[ Maybe it is optimism, misguided or otherwise. For her it's too mired in duty and denial, considering how fresh the wound is, and she's not resigned enough yet to believe with absolute certainty that there's no hope left. She isn't that girl yet, hard angles, sadistic streak, and her world isn't what his is. Maybe there's still a chance there.
But that's there. This is here. There is grass under her knees and a couple of dogs who have stopped rolling around and started chewing on each others' ears. She didn't come here to step carefully through a field of landmines, but she's not going to let trampling on a couple of them deter her too much. She does drag her hand back from between his, not an abrupt pull or marked by distaste. She does feel like she needs to reclaim a little of her own ground, all the same. ]
I've been thinking Tug's the one I'm gonna give to someone.
[ Is what she says probably after about two minutes. ]
[ Having a past full of terrorism and killing people: fine. Having no qualms about the fact that all muggles are shit: she pulls her hand away. Severus doesn't understand why now, but he's not surprised overall when she draws back. He's been waiting for it since the beginning, and he knows it won't be the last time she does it. He doesn't hold it against her.
Severus sits quietly and tries not to radiate standoffishness. Not for the first time he thinks about how much Claire's like Lily-- and at some point, he's going to be too much. Sometimes he wishes he could just stop, but these feelings are all he is, anymore. ]
[ She knows what that move means before she even makes it but follows through on it anyway, running her palms the length of her shin bones. There are things she's accepted as being part of who he is and things that she is equally not ready to accept as being part of who she is. They are who they are, and they've done what they've done, and that's not going to change. But she sat through that conversation in this same spot, so to speak, and when it was all over and done with, how she felt hadn't changed either. So what does that say?
She doesn't know, and it doesn't matter. ]
I think I just like Diablo better. Is that terrible? It's like saying you like one of your kids better than the other. Though Izzie's technically the mom, I guess. She just looks like she wants to roll over on both of them half the time. Like ahhh, what have I created, etc.
[ Moreover, she feels more of an attachment to him given he's the one that she actually named, that he named, if she's being precise. Tug is the bigger asshole of the two, and with what she has in mind for Diablo, that kind of a personality isn't going to work as well in her favor. Claire is also aware that she's trying to overcompensate a little for the silence, so that's kind of embarrassing. ]
[ There's a lot to reflect on. Maybe. Severus has done this subject to death over the course of his life and it feels hollow, but he still can't change his mind about it. ]
I think he likes you better. [ Compared to Izzie who's probably still sad without both Petrellis, and Tug who at least got a name. Maybe Diablo just didn't have anyone who decided he was theirs, until now; Peter had been off in whateverland with That Guy Claire Hates, anyway. Who knows. Severus thinks about all the familiars that crawl all over Hogwarts - it's not really the same. ]
[ Claire turns to look at them, half-expecting them to come bounding toward them at the mention of their name. They're all lounging now, less like little dark bullets of destruction shooting off in directions she can't manage and more like floppy sacks of potatoes. At least they'll be worn out for a couple of hours.
She follows suit and leans back until she's able to flop down on the grass, staring above her and folding her hands over her stomach. ]
I suppose it's especially unfair them. [ This place. Their owners vanishing and leaving them. Do the animals ever vanish at jumps? He doesn't think so. He's pretty sure they don't have nanites, either, which is odd. ] I feel worse for the kids, though.
[ A beat. Severus exhales in what's almost a groan and pinches the bridge of his nose. Did he really just say that? ]
[ Maybe there's some investigation that should be done into that subject. Or maybe it's as simple as whatever it is powering this environment isn't interested in anything that isn't technically human. Claire hasn't really stopped to think about it. Now, she rolls her head to the side, getting a decent look at the soles of his shoes as she squints at him. Finally, a grin breaks out across her face and raises her eyebrows. ]
You feel worse for the kids. [ Her gaze turns skyward again - well, sort of - and she makes an uh huh sound behind her teeth. ] I see.
[ It's alright, Severus, she's not going to tell anyone that there is a small potential speck of warmth for children in your cold, dead heart. She makes zero attempt to hide her expression, an expression that somehow seems out of place given the subject matter but alas. ]
Well, I don't know how much I believe in someone zipping around with their underwear over their pants, but I agree. [ She glances over in the direction of the dogs, not quite managing to fit them into the scope of her vision and not really interested in craning her neck that far. ] Maybe they could use some puppy time.
I've no idea. [ Pity is not warmth. ] I rarely branch outside discipline and order. A young woman in the communications department is a primary school teacher, I think. She seemed a bit put off by me.
[ If Claire hasn't figured out he's everyone's least favorite teacher yet, well.. ]
I don't think you'd be anyone's choice to teach K through five, no offense. [ Maybe somewhere between their initial meeting and that story about the eleven-year-old who wet himself, she put together a thing or two. ] I don't think I've ever seen many of them outside of the jump. What's Nill like?
[ Saying that aloud makes her feel sort of disappointed in herself. She actually does really like kids, after all. ]
[ Severus hates coddling children. It's pointless. Life is hard and horrible, and besides, everyone but him is going to try and be nice to them anyway. They should have to get a bit of reality somewhere. Maybe worse than reality; it's not fair that his childhood was as bad as it was and most everyone else got on tolerably. No one ever helped him. ]
She's fine. [ Maybe. She seemed to have broken down a little when her friend left, but recovered without knowingly letting him see any cracks. He can respect that kind of repression. ] She's mute, we've been working on sign language.
[ No better place to get reality than on a giant murder ship. Claire will always sympathize with the desire to shelter who and what she can from the atrocities that are out there but there's a loud part of her consciousness that acknowledges the idea that it's better to be prepared than not, even if it means you come out jaded. Or just... aware of how the world works. Does she wish that she never had to experience any of the shit that she has? Absolutely. She'd wish that for anyone. But she'd never take it back, either. It's a fine line. ]
How does that work? [ By no means does she know or understand sign language - outside of knowing how to spell her name thanks to a ninth grade indulgence in the topic - but she has a working knowledge that it's not universal. ] Is she British?
[ It's possible. It's also just as possible that she is, like... Malvanian or something else that she's never heard of or will ever hear of outside of this ship. ]
No. I'm not sure where she's from, she hadn't heard of sign language before at all. [ .. And she has wings. For some reason. ] I was never perfectly fluent, we're having to invent quite a bit. It's being recorded, though, I thought about bothering Osborn and his cohort to see if putting lessons on the communicators would be feasible.
[ For Nill to be able to communicate with it, other people have to be able to understand her, after all. ]
That's actually a really good idea. [ All of it, really, including bothering Osborn into writing some kind of program to facilitate what Severus is suggesting. It's a good idea, and it's also quite kind of him to try at any rate, but Claire isn't going to bring that up. ] If he and his friend can figure out how to write something that allows the devices to play music, I'm sure they can come up with something that's more instructive. You might have to bribe them, though.
[ Or not, if what Peter said was true and Harry really is nicer than he tries to let on. The verdict's out on that one, though, and Claire has only spoken to the pair of them three times collectively. ]
I only ever learned how to do my name. [ Which she balances her elbow on the grass for and does with sloppy accuracy. ] I think I can remember thank you, but it wasn't really a lesson. Why do you learn it to begin with?
[ Severus feels detached from the subject, but it's better than the tense almost-fighting of a few minutes ago. He's not actually passionate about teaching, but he feels quite a bit about education. It's awkward, sometimes, the imbalance of how he operates concerning it. ]
As I've said before, I'm in charge of a hundred students. [ He leans forward on his elbows, hands moving, echoing his verbal words. ] There are more effective magical aids, but they're extremely difficult for children to use, and they can't be used in the outside world.
[ She finds it interesting in an abstract sort of way; the same way in which she still finds little transfigured things incredible and the details of his world's history something she wants to know about despite how bleak it's been. ]
I'd almost expect them - [ Whoever they are. ] - to have something that would make that easier here, on the ship. The technology that we do have is advanced enough. [ She chews her lip in brief thought. ] Would they interfere with outside technology? Aids from your world, I mean.
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Someone traced it, and she didn't deny it. [ And apologized, but only to one person and under a lock; Severus doesn't believe it was sincere, given what she was saying so freely when she thought she was anonymous. ]
Kate and Darcy are both human.
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Darcy's abrupt inclusion in this catches her by surprise, and Claire sincerely hopes that she's not going to find some degree of culpability there, too. ]
So? [ She's human, too. She spent a long time struggling with that justification. ] I understand Kate given the context, but Darcy?
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I'm just telling you. I'm not telling you to-- do or think anything about it.
[ She should know. That's all. ]
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[ Somehow, she manages to keep her voice level, manages to convince herself not to get upset. It's an old wound, a phantom pain that twinges when she least expects it, but for the most part she's staunched the bleeding. ]
I get it. We're different. The second I figured out what I was, what I could do, I gave myself endless grief about whether or not I was actually a human being and not just some freak of nature. I tried - [ She's resolutely not going to talk about how she came up with various ways to severely injure herself. And video taped them. ] - that point of view is something that I struggled with for a long time. I can't believe that everyone who's not like me is out to get me, just like I can't believe that everyone who is like me is gonna try to kill me or someone else. I did that for years, and all it ever got me was alone, walls up.
[ She scratches her fingers through her hair and rolls her lips together, biting down on them, thinking about Gretchen without even having to try very hard. It isn't the first time that she's missed her since she's been here, but right now it's so acute she can nearly taste it. ]
I know what you're trying to tell me. I do. And I'm gonna think about it no matter what. Trust me, it's already something that's crossed my mind a hundred times, here and at home.
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But it's a kind of optimism he can't get behind. Severus fought a war. Nothing is better now. People are dead, and everything else is the same. ]
The opposite of human isn't a freak of nature. [ That's something they've put into her head; she only thought that because it's their mindset, the one she had before she knew she was different. Better. Above them.
They don't have to be out to get her to hate her. Muggles don't have to be actively trying to kill witches to ruin their lives. Mutant, posthuman, wizard - among baselines and muggles, they are already alone. ]
I'm not trying to do anything.
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So she has to be right. People have to be better than she innately believes them to be, because if they aren't and what he's experienced and what she desperately wants not to believe is the truth, then there's a good chance she has just fucked up the lives of countless people who didn't sign up for and didn't want the attention her actions are going to bring to them. And that isn't a responsibility that she can entertain without wanting to consistently and violently throw up. ]
I know that now. I didn't at sixteen. At sixteen all I cared about were SAT scores and stupid school dances. [ Saying that out loud makes her feel about a hundred miles away from that place, that time, in her life. None of it seems real anymore. ] And I know you aren't trying to do anything, either. It's just - something - I think about that kind of thing a lot. It's still a relatively new thing, for as much as I've been over it. You've been through a hell of a lot more than I have. I hope you don't think I don't value your opinion just because I want it to be wrong.
[ The reality of it is that she has probably very severely fucked up life for a lot of people. She hopes that she doesn't look a little green. ]
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To him, it's optimism.
Everyone is that bad. They will always be that bad. They're a disgusting plague upon the earth, a virus demolishing all sustainable resources, and they should all be killed. He's 'reformed' enough to have dialed down his hateful bloodlust, he's capable of accepting A Muggle, but he'll never accept muggles, and he'll never trust any of them.
But his own people hate him, too, so what the fuck is his insight really worth. She's wrong about it and he knows she is, but he doesn't have any fight left in him about it.
So he doesn't say anything. ]
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But that's there. This is here. There is grass under her knees and a couple of dogs who have stopped rolling around and started chewing on each others' ears. She didn't come here to step carefully through a field of landmines, but she's not going to let trampling on a couple of them deter her too much. She does drag her hand back from between his, not an abrupt pull or marked by distaste. She does feel like she needs to reclaim a little of her own ground, all the same. ]
I've been thinking Tug's the one I'm gonna give to someone.
[ Is what she says probably after about two minutes. ]
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Severus sits quietly and tries not to radiate standoffishness. Not for the first time he thinks about how much Claire's like Lily-- and at some point, he's going to be too much. Sometimes he wishes he could just stop, but these feelings are all he is, anymore. ]
He's a bit more of an arsehole.
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She doesn't know, and it doesn't matter. ]
I think I just like Diablo better. Is that terrible? It's like saying you like one of your kids better than the other. Though Izzie's technically the mom, I guess. She just looks like she wants to roll over on both of them half the time. Like ahhh, what have I created, etc.
[ Moreover, she feels more of an attachment to him given he's the one that she actually named, that he named, if she's being precise. Tug is the bigger asshole of the two, and with what she has in mind for Diablo, that kind of a personality isn't going to work as well in her favor. Claire is also aware that she's trying to overcompensate a little for the silence, so that's kind of embarrassing. ]
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I think he likes you better. [ Compared to Izzie who's probably still sad without both Petrellis, and Tug who at least got a name. Maybe Diablo just didn't have anyone who decided he was theirs, until now; Peter had been off in whateverland with That Guy Claire Hates, anyway. Who knows. Severus thinks about all the familiars that crawl all over Hogwarts - it's not really the same. ]
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[ Claire turns to look at them, half-expecting them to come bounding toward them at the mention of their name. They're all lounging now, less like little dark bullets of destruction shooting off in directions she can't manage and more like floppy sacks of potatoes. At least they'll be worn out for a couple of hours.
She follows suit and leans back until she's able to flop down on the grass, staring above her and folding her hands over her stomach. ]
Hopefully Izzie will come around soon.
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[ A beat. Severus exhales in what's almost a groan and pinches the bridge of his nose. Did he really just say that? ]
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You feel worse for the kids. [ Her gaze turns skyward again - well, sort of - and she makes an uh huh sound behind her teeth. ] I see.
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[ Yes that's all ground out awkwardly. Look SHUT UP HE DOESN'T HAVE FEELINGS you can't make him. ]
There's one who insists he fights crime in a costume, that one can bugger off and be fine.
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Well, I don't know how much I believe in someone zipping around with their underwear over their pants, but I agree. [ She glances over in the direction of the dogs, not quite managing to fit them into the scope of her vision and not really interested in craning her neck that far. ] Maybe they could use some puppy time.
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[ If Claire hasn't figured out he's everyone's least favorite teacher yet, well.. ]
The only one I ever see is Nill.
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I don't think you'd be anyone's choice to teach K through five, no offense. [ Maybe somewhere between their initial meeting and that story about the eleven-year-old who wet himself, she put together a thing or two. ] I don't think I've ever seen many of them outside of the jump. What's Nill like?
[ Saying that aloud makes her feel sort of disappointed in herself. She actually does really like kids, after all. ]
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She's fine. [ Maybe. She seemed to have broken down a little when her friend left, but recovered without knowingly letting him see any cracks. He can respect that kind of repression. ] She's mute, we've been working on sign language.
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How does that work? [ By no means does she know or understand sign language - outside of knowing how to spell her name thanks to a ninth grade indulgence in the topic - but she has a working knowledge that it's not universal. ] Is she British?
[ It's possible. It's also just as possible that she is, like... Malvanian or something else that she's never heard of or will ever hear of outside of this ship. ]
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[ For Nill to be able to communicate with it, other people have to be able to understand her, after all. ]
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[ Or not, if what Peter said was true and Harry really is nicer than he tries to let on. The verdict's out on that one, though, and Claire has only spoken to the pair of them three times collectively. ]
I only ever learned how to do my name. [ Which she balances her elbow on the grass for and does with sloppy accuracy. ] I think I can remember thank you, but it wasn't really a lesson. Why do you learn it to begin with?
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As I've said before, I'm in charge of a hundred students. [ He leans forward on his elbows, hands moving, echoing his verbal words. ] There are more effective magical aids, but they're extremely difficult for children to use, and they can't be used in the outside world.
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I'd almost expect them - [ Whoever they are. ] - to have something that would make that easier here, on the ship. The technology that we do have is advanced enough. [ She chews her lip in brief thought. ] Would they interfere with outside technology? Aids from your world, I mean.
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It's not as much interference as it is obviousness. Magic doesn't exist, remember?
Severus shoos the words away after a moment. ]
I don't know how all technology reacts with all magic. I try to avoid it.
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