[ that would've almost made him laugh if they... weren't talking about what they're talking about. because it is stupid and it is infuriating but the ship has a habit of being both of those things on a regular basis. it's just not supposed to happen to nathan. ]
That's all we can do. And hope that next month he wakes up along with the rest of us.
[ She doesn't want to entertain the idea of what might happen if he doesn't wake up, more for Peter's sake than for her own. It's still a fresh wound, for as much as has happened in between. ]
I feel like we were maybe just starting to get somewhere. Of course something like this would happen.
He'll wake up, Claire. And you'll go right back to wherever you were about to get to. It'll be fine.
[ You'll see. Like he's trying to convince both of them at the same time because that's exactly what he has to do. Though he's not sure which one of them needs more convincing; himself or Claire. No matter the answer, it's a necessity. Because the other possibilities are too sharp to even consider and Peter's not willing to let the thoughts live long enough in his head to grow up and become something more. They can't be; Nathan isn't allowed to die. He'll save him. ]
[ He's always had the ability to inspire that distinct and sharp belief in her, that everything will turn out alright in the end, though it's tempered with time. She's more of a realist now than she ever was before, knowing what she does. And maybe that's something she can envy about him while allowing herself to believe him, just a little. ]
I know. [ It's easier than arguing, at this point. And that's not a concession by any means, just her own desire to see things turn out as he's dictated more than anything else. ] Whatever that was.
[ Enough about her, though. ]
Are you, you know, okay?
[ They ask each other that a lot. It's warranted. ]
[ The question isn't one he can be honest about except for how he has to be. Claire doesn't allow for dishonesty from him but even more than that, he doesn't allow it from himself. Petrelli's don't always have to lie to each other and in Claire's case, Peter can't help but hold on to that even more strongly than usual. He's never lied to her before and never well - doesn't see the point in it - but still doesn't want to answer the question in a way that puts him on the edge of his own feelings. ]
I don't know.
[ It's an honest answer as he has to give but it's hardly the full story. Peter just doesn't want to have to say the words because then how can he believe at the same time? How can he pretend Nathan'll be fine, how can he tell anyone, if he doesn't even believe it himself? ]
As long as he doesn't go back home. And I know that's selfish, but he can't go back. Not yet. Not if i'm not going with him.
[ She doesn't think that's a selfish sentiment. Or, if she does, then she shares the same selfishness. Her attachments to Nathan might not be as deeply engrained or come with the overarching positive backdrop to sustain it through tough times - though it's getting there - but she doesn't want to lose him either, not now that there's time. This feels a little bit like a slap in the face, in that respect. Knowing Peter, though, she knows it's her responsibility to reel him in. ]
He's not gonna go back home, okay? [ Her voice is controlled and commanding in its new levity, certain for the both of them. ] I mean, come on. If this ship really wanted to throw him back out into space or send him back, it probably would have done it already. He hasn't exactly been complying with it.
[ Except Peter doesn't think it's her responsibility at all. It should be his own responsibility to reel himself in - to keep himself in check and his emotions in reign. He's getting there; closing off in some ways that're breaking parts of who he is (who he was) but that doesn't change the fact that he's not quite there yet. He can't just shut off the parts of who he is that're so emotionally wound that it's hard to back down from the proverbial ledge.
But leave it to Claire to do it anyway. ]
I know- I know. He wouldn't even be here anymore if the ship wanted to get rid of him, he's been here long enough. [ It's easier to agree when someone's offering the words first; if Claire's being the one to hold a candle to all that he needs to believe. ]
He wanted to stay on Arima, you know. Or take of in one of the shuttles, run off into space. Thinks he can make himself stay if he tries hard enough.
[ The roll of her eyes might be audible, but then that's unlikely. ]
Now that really is stupid.
[ She wonders at the desire to stay here, remembers what Severus said about people becoming complacent, and she has to wonder what it is that Nathan and Peter fight for if it's not to go home, to get off of here. And then she has to wonder if she's fighting for the same thing, avoiding the idea of going back to the mess she made. It's for another time. What's more pressing is the immediate. Peter has always loomed so much larger than the background noise in her mind. ]
[ Peter snorts at that, considering it hadn't sounded altogether stupid if only in the desperate urge to keep Nathan here. Maybe he let his reasonable mind slip in the effort to do what it took, no matter the consequence. ]
Yeah, I guess it was.
[ But it wasn't altogether an urge to go home because they were the ones at the head of the frontlines breaking into the bridge. They fought to change their circumstances and breaking free is just the same if only in a different format. They're fighting for a chance to make this different, to change where they are and what they're forced to endure. Nathan hadn't wanted to stay on the ship and so Peter had tripped all over himself to follow along. ]
You're right, I know. Just isn't allowed to. [ It's childish, but he is sometimes when it comes to Nathan. Old habits die hard. ]
[ She's been there. They've all been there. Too many there has to be another ways and I can save yous. Claire doesn't mean it in the way that he thinks, but there's no point in explaining. What she has are her convictions, and her main job right now is to impress those upon him. He's done the same a million times. It's a testament to their history that they can effortlessly change positions, sliding into seamless transitions. Maybe it is hereditary. ]
I think that we've paid our dues. Even if it's on a spaceship - [ And the reality of it, the truth of it being real, is something she's only come to accept fully in the recent past. ] - I think that we've... kind of earned it, you know? Some cosmic balance or something. I don't know. Astronomy was hard. Math. [ She's rambling. ] I think maybe Nathan just needs a very much deserved nap.
Considering i've had at least one or two since I've shown up, you're right- it's his turn to take a break. He's done enough for everyone around here, whether or not they appreciate it. He could use some extra sleep.
[ Not that it's really sleep or refreshing or any of the things a long overdue nap might be. But it's a break and Nathan's more deserving of one than he might think he is.
That doesn't change the fact that Peter's paranoid he'll drop dead because of it, touching far too close to home for him to be able to stand. But as long as they go home at the same time, Peter's convinced of exactly that - he can save his brother from a fate that can't possibly be set in stone. ]
I don't know if we've earned this, but i'll take your word for it. Cosmic balance is just kind of skewed if you ask me.
[ She laughs, though not with much humor, just a small sound with a recollection of words exchanged what seems like forever ago, now. ]
Yeah, well. No good deed goes unpunished, I guess.
[ God knows they've done their best over the years, and he's right. It's skewed. There's always something rising to take one bad day's place. No rest for the wicked or their counterparts. Or something like that. ]
I can help you look after him.
[ It's the least she can do, knowing what she does. ]
And we've done enough good deeds for a lifetime. [ It's mumbled but darkly sarcastic; Peter's still not so sure about his attempts at good deeds. All he's done is almost send the word into cataclysmic messes. Talk about good deeds and Peter's sure he hasn't done nearly enough. ]
I could use it.
[ The help, he means, even if he doesn't really. Because he doesn't need help looking after Nathan in a gravity couch, sleeping in there like he might never wake up again. There's no reason to have someone else staring at him but maybe she'll catch him slipping away during the moments he isn't there. It's entirely possible that she'll find him in the midst of something that Peter might not and so it's worth it to give in. At least for this.
[ There's no response necessary, Claire knows that. As much as she knows he can feel the warmth in her spilling through the communicator, bleeding over his hands and sinking into his skin. That's what they do, deal in strength and support. If there's anyone on this ship she can't stand losing in a less than tangible sense, it's him. Whatever tether she can build is more than enough. ]
Yeah, knowing you I'll have to drag you back to your room to make sure you're getting some rest.
[ A fond smile works its way around her tone, gently ribbing, trying to lighten the mood even a little. ]
I never said I was gonna be camping out in front of Nathan's pod twenty four, seven. It's just convenient that i'm already there in the medbay. Might just take an extra shift or two to keep an eye on things.
[ He's egging her on in the simplest of ways even if he's talking in half truths and no lies. He has every intention in the world to slip his way down there as much as possible, take seat and watch as Nathan sleeps. He'd be there now if it wasn't already ridiculous but he can't help himself with thinking that Nathan needs to be watched. Just like they all do; they're the only ones here that can stand for each other. That know in ways no one else does and can fill in the gaps between thoughts. They know what's happened in ways no one else can touch and the loss of recognition, the loss of valued connection is a terrifying one. ]
I plan on giving him all the company he'd complain about if he was awake. [ She's not the only one who can lighten the mood. Or at least try to. ]
[ That earns a laugh, small and soft but present, and she's reminded so much of their conversation in Angela's kitchen that it spreads warm, heavy fingers across her breastbone and down into her rib cage, remembering his attitude, what came next. Maybe this time she can do it right. ]
No you're not. You don't want to see me get into that much trouble.
[ Not that he thinks Nathan would ream him out too much but he doesn't want to hear it, either. Instead he'd rather hear Claire laugh, reminiscent of times that were easier or felt lighter somehow. Neither of them laugh nearly enough and neither of them have had enough time to talk like this. ]
I'm making up for lost time. [ Ain't that the truth. ] I never had a chance to get you in trouble when it was age appropriate. I'm making the most of it now.
[ She won't tattle, for the record, not only because she isn't nine-years-old but because the thought of having something, however dire, to share with Peter again is nice. They really need to get hobbies that don't involve their loved ones' questionable mortalities. ]
Don't know what you would've gotten me in trouble for. You were too little when I was busy sneaking out of the house and I got in trouble for that all on my own. [ except... ] Unless you told on me for sneaking you over to my apartment for pizza and zombie movies. I moved out right after highschool.
[ There's parts of his life that he's just never told Claire about - they haven't had the time amidst all the other mass chaos and he can't help but want to take advantage of his Uncle Rights. The chance to get the one to spoil for all the reasons they haven't alrady shared. Even if it's only with stories and impossible fantasies. ]
You underestimate me. And I underestimated your corruption capabilities.
[ There's a pang here, not necessarily in her voice but definitely in the center of her chest. So many missed opportunities and chances, all out of her hands. For as much as she doesn't want to grow complacent here, it would be so easy to let it happen, creeping over her like vines, indulging in ways that their lives don't allow. Not that the Tranquility would allow for too much of that, but the thought is there. She wants to hear everything. ]
Right after high school? Is that why life got better?
[ No gentle ribbing or sarcasm there. Genuine curiosity. ]
You forget I had two nephew's to corrupt with video games and late night ice cream.
[ He's not trying to be cruel though for a moment or two he thinks it is to even bring it up at all. But the truth is the truth and there's nothing that can be done about any of it at this point. Going back in time is an impossibility - not really, but it is for all the complex reasons it should be - and yet leaving it be is equally so. It just means finding other ways to go about it and if that means taking advantage of time given, maybe there's nothing wrong with that.
They don't have to love being on the Tranquility to abuse the doldrums it occasionally brings. ]
Maybe. [ He almost snorts but thinks better of it, knowing the topic is an oddly important one. ] It's part of the reason, sure. I mean, it got better because I wasn't in high school anymore, but once I got out of the house it made everything a little easier. And yeah, it was right after high school was over. Got a job to pay the rent and started taking paramedic classes.
[ She's not, really, and that shows in her voice. For as much as not knowing her biological family had left something open and aching in her, her family had provided enough in that respect that she can joke about it now. And anyway, Claire had Lyle, and she'd never wish that fate on anyone, as all older sisters do with their brothers. ]
Maybe that's what I should have done. Just skipped the whole college thing and gone straight into working and paying rent.
[ Somehow this feels like a conversation they should have had years and years ago. Or at least years ago. It's strange in its normalcy, especially when thrown into such sharp contrast against the heaviness of what had been discussed previously. But they're both good at displacing, as much as they are compartmentalizing. ]
[ He knows you too well, Claire, to know if you're trully spiteful or not. To know whether or not families are the sole sum of their units and even if Claire wasn't involved, she had as much of her own to love her as they ever did. Peter could've been one more but she has him now. And that's what matters ]
I didn't skip the whole college thing- I went to nursing school. [ He sounds vaguely admonishing for a minute before it's turned into amusement, teasing at the very least. ] I just had to get a job first so I could actually live somewhere. And eat sometimes. And once it was actually a job I wanted, I could get a degree in something else I wanted just as much.
[ It is a conversation they would've had years ago were circumstances different but now's as good of a time as any. And while it's not only to break apart the sting of their earlier conversation, it's a good of a reason as any when they're both just that good at distracting themselves. That doesn't change the fact that the normalcy of it is something he wants to share with her; something that belongs. ]
[ Very matter-of-fact, with a biting tease. She doesn't envy him that cost of living, though she does admire him for making a go of it on his own. He probably would have been just fine if their world hadn't gone to hell. ]
[ That earns a snort, just amused enough to count. He's not sure he'd trade in living somewhere else but sometimes he thinks it would've been easier. That it still would've been easier. But home is home and far too often that's more than enough. ]
No, for a while I didn't. Nobody was much help when it came to deciding but you probably could've guessed that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
voice;
That's all we can do. And hope that next month he wakes up along with the rest of us.
voice;
I feel like we were maybe just starting to get somewhere. Of course something like this would happen.
voice;
[ You'll see. Like he's trying to convince both of them at the same time because that's exactly what he has to do. Though he's not sure which one of them needs more convincing; himself or Claire. No matter the answer, it's a necessity. Because the other possibilities are too sharp to even consider and Peter's not willing to let the thoughts live long enough in his head to grow up and become something more. They can't be; Nathan isn't allowed to die. He'll save him. ]
voice;
I know. [ It's easier than arguing, at this point. And that's not a concession by any means, just her own desire to see things turn out as he's dictated more than anything else. ] Whatever that was.
[ Enough about her, though. ]
Are you, you know, okay?
[ They ask each other that a lot. It's warranted. ]
voice;
I don't know.
[ It's an honest answer as he has to give but it's hardly the full story. Peter just doesn't want to have to say the words because then how can he believe at the same time? How can he pretend Nathan'll be fine, how can he tell anyone, if he doesn't even believe it himself? ]
As long as he doesn't go back home. And I know that's selfish, but he can't go back. Not yet. Not if i'm not going with him.
voice;
He's not gonna go back home, okay? [ Her voice is controlled and commanding in its new levity, certain for the both of them. ] I mean, come on. If this ship really wanted to throw him back out into space or send him back, it probably would have done it already. He hasn't exactly been complying with it.
voice;
But leave it to Claire to do it anyway. ]
I know- I know. He wouldn't even be here anymore if the ship wanted to get rid of him, he's been here long enough. [ It's easier to agree when someone's offering the words first; if Claire's being the one to hold a candle to all that he needs to believe. ]
He wanted to stay on Arima, you know. Or take of in one of the shuttles, run off into space. Thinks he can make himself stay if he tries hard enough.
voice;
Now that really is stupid.
[ She wonders at the desire to stay here, remembers what Severus said about people becoming complacent, and she has to wonder what it is that Nathan and Peter fight for if it's not to go home, to get off of here. And then she has to wonder if she's fighting for the same thing, avoiding the idea of going back to the mess she made. It's for another time. What's more pressing is the immediate. Peter has always loomed so much larger than the background noise in her mind. ]
We're not gonna lose him, okay?
Re: voice;
Yeah, I guess it was.
[ But it wasn't altogether an urge to go home because they were the ones at the head of the frontlines breaking into the bridge. They fought to change their circumstances and breaking free is just the same if only in a different format. They're fighting for a chance to make this different, to change where they are and what they're forced to endure. Nathan hadn't wanted to stay on the ship and so Peter had tripped all over himself to follow along. ]
You're right, I know. Just isn't allowed to. [ It's childish, but he is sometimes when it comes to Nathan. Old habits die hard. ]
voice;
I think that we've paid our dues. Even if it's on a spaceship - [ And the reality of it, the truth of it being real, is something she's only come to accept fully in the recent past. ] - I think that we've... kind of earned it, you know? Some cosmic balance or something. I don't know. Astronomy was hard. Math. [ She's rambling. ] I think maybe Nathan just needs a very much deserved nap.
voice;
[ Not that it's really sleep or refreshing or any of the things a long overdue nap might be. But it's a break and Nathan's more deserving of one than he might think he is.
That doesn't change the fact that Peter's paranoid he'll drop dead because of it, touching far too close to home for him to be able to stand. But as long as they go home at the same time, Peter's convinced of exactly that - he can save his brother from a fate that can't possibly be set in stone. ]
I don't know if we've earned this, but i'll take your word for it. Cosmic balance is just kind of skewed if you ask me.
voice;
Yeah, well. No good deed goes unpunished, I guess.
[ God knows they've done their best over the years, and he's right. It's skewed. There's always something rising to take one bad day's place. No rest for the wicked or their counterparts. Or something like that. ]
I can help you look after him.
[ It's the least she can do, knowing what she does. ]
voice;
I could use it.
[ The help, he means, even if he doesn't really. Because he doesn't need help looking after Nathan in a gravity couch, sleeping in there like he might never wake up again. There's no reason to have someone else staring at him but maybe she'll catch him slipping away during the moments he isn't there. It's entirely possible that she'll find him in the midst of something that Peter might not and so it's worth it to give in. At least for this.
But only from Claire. ]
voice;
Yeah, knowing you I'll have to drag you back to your room to make sure you're getting some rest.
[ A fond smile works its way around her tone, gently ribbing, trying to lighten the mood even a little. ]
voice;
[ He's egging her on in the simplest of ways even if he's talking in half truths and no lies. He has every intention in the world to slip his way down there as much as possible, take seat and watch as Nathan sleeps. He'd be there now if it wasn't already ridiculous but he can't help himself with thinking that Nathan needs to be watched. Just like they all do; they're the only ones here that can stand for each other. That know in ways no one else does and can fill in the gaps between thoughts. They know what's happened in ways no one else can touch and the loss of recognition, the loss of valued connection is a terrifying one. ]
I plan on giving him all the company he'd complain about if he was awake. [ She's not the only one who can lighten the mood. Or at least try to. ]
voice;
I'm gonna tell on you when he wakes back up.
voice;
[ Not that he thinks Nathan would ream him out too much but he doesn't want to hear it, either. Instead he'd rather hear Claire laugh, reminiscent of times that were easier or felt lighter somehow. Neither of them laugh nearly enough and neither of them have had enough time to talk like this. ]
voice;
[ She won't tattle, for the record, not only because she isn't nine-years-old but because the thought of having something, however dire, to share with Peter again is nice. They really need to get hobbies that don't involve their loved ones' questionable mortalities. ]
voice;
[ There's parts of his life that he's just never told Claire about - they haven't had the time amidst all the other mass chaos and he can't help but want to take advantage of his Uncle Rights. The chance to get the one to spoil for all the reasons they haven't alrady shared. Even if it's only with stories and impossible fantasies. ]
voice;
[ There's a pang here, not necessarily in her voice but definitely in the center of her chest. So many missed opportunities and chances, all out of her hands. For as much as she doesn't want to grow complacent here, it would be so easy to let it happen, creeping over her like vines, indulging in ways that their lives don't allow. Not that the Tranquility would allow for too much of that, but the thought is there. She wants to hear everything. ]
Right after high school? Is that why life got better?
[ No gentle ribbing or sarcasm there. Genuine curiosity. ]
voice;
[ He's not trying to be cruel though for a moment or two he thinks it is to even bring it up at all. But the truth is the truth and there's nothing that can be done about any of it at this point. Going back in time is an impossibility - not really, but it is for all the complex reasons it should be - and yet leaving it be is equally so. It just means finding other ways to go about it and if that means taking advantage of time given, maybe there's nothing wrong with that.
They don't have to love being on the Tranquility to abuse the doldrums it occasionally brings. ]
Maybe. [ He almost snorts but thinks better of it, knowing the topic is an oddly important one. ] It's part of the reason, sure. I mean, it got better because I wasn't in high school anymore, but once I got out of the house it made everything a little easier. And yeah, it was right after high school was over. Got a job to pay the rent and started taking paramedic classes.
voice;
[ She's not, really, and that shows in her voice. For as much as not knowing her biological family had left something open and aching in her, her family had provided enough in that respect that she can joke about it now. And anyway, Claire had Lyle, and she'd never wish that fate on anyone, as all older sisters do with their brothers. ]
Maybe that's what I should have done. Just skipped the whole college thing and gone straight into working and paying rent.
[ Somehow this feels like a conversation they should have had years and years ago. Or at least years ago. It's strange in its normalcy, especially when thrown into such sharp contrast against the heaviness of what had been discussed previously. But they're both good at displacing, as much as they are compartmentalizing. ]
voice;
[ He knows you too well, Claire, to know if you're trully spiteful or not. To know whether or not families are the sole sum of their units and even if Claire wasn't involved, she had as much of her own to love her as they ever did. Peter could've been one more but she has him now. And that's what matters ]
I didn't skip the whole college thing- I went to nursing school. [ He sounds vaguely admonishing for a minute before it's turned into amusement, teasing at the very least. ] I just had to get a job first so I could actually live somewhere. And eat sometimes. And once it was actually a job I wanted, I could get a degree in something else I wanted just as much.
[ It is a conversation they would've had years ago were circumstances different but now's as good of a time as any. And while it's not only to break apart the sting of their earlier conversation, it's a good of a reason as any when they're both just that good at distracting themselves. That doesn't change the fact that the normalcy of it is something he wants to share with her; something that belongs. ]
voice;
[ Very matter-of-fact, with a biting tease. She doesn't envy him that cost of living, though she does admire him for making a go of it on his own. He probably would have been just fine if their world hadn't gone to hell. ]
Did you always want to be a nurse?
voice;
No, for a while I didn't. Nobody was much help when it came to deciding but you probably could've guessed that.
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