[ The tension that had climbed up over her back and grabbed on to her shoulders following that request doesn't exactly dissipate, but Claire finds that it does lessen by degrees. She can't say whether or not she was looking for any particular sort of answer, and if prompted, she'd probably admit that what he's given her wasn't exactly it, yet in some way it still feels like it's enough. Always prepared for some kind of fight, it's a relief when she doesn't have to, and when it comes to Severus, she's come to understand that anything that isn't an outright dismissal or taken as a chance to bolt is an achievement. And in her eyes it's an improvement.
Granted, there's no way to disconnect from someone you are sitting four feet across from. Knowing him, as much as she does, he'd find a way. But. The door's right there and it hasn't gone anywhere, and he's still sitting four feet across from her, even following that. ]
[ --is probably not something he should bother saying, he thinks the second it's out of his mouth. But it's true. People tend to either be too frightened of him to argue or too eager to get rid of him to draw it out, no matter the interaction. Anything fraught with tension just makes it that much more intense. He doesn't think Claire's afraid of him (maybe she should be just on principle) but he doesn't understand why she wants him to act like this. She's not getting anything out of their association besides the occasional dinner made and the headache of having to associate with him at all. ]
[ She sincerely hopes that doesn't come out sounding as bitchy as she thinks that it does in her head a nanosecond after having said it. If anything, maybe it just sounds pushy, which is something that she can deal with and even likes about herself. In the end, with what she's been able to piece together about him without outright asking - and now it seems stupid that she never has, with what he's just admitted, and yet Claire stills finds herself unable to ask the questions that she wants to. How long? and why? and what was it like? and a hundred other things no one with a concussion needs to be bombarded with - she understands why his reactions are what they are. Claire just waits it out, hoping that she's doing it right.
Maybe one of these days something insane will happen as a result of her choices, and he'll get to take a look and see what her life is comprised of and decide that he doesn't like it either, and then she'll have confirmation that sticking her neck out there is only worth it in the physical sense. ]
Didn't you ever have, like... you know, a best friend or something, growing up?
[ Claire can't imagine that he was totally without something positive for the entirety of his life this far. It just doesn't seem fair. ]
[ Severus isn't trying to make excuses. He's just telling her, because it is what it is. He's not deliberately jerking her around, he has no idea that anyone might expect otherwise, because no one's ever told him. When people drag him on his behavior, a lot more screaming and death threats are usually involved.
Her question is unpleasant.
He smiles-- brief, cracked, humorless, but it vanishes in an instant as his gaze twitches away. ]
I had a social circle. People who thought I was useful, until I wasn't.
[ He won't mention Lily. He will never mention Lily. It's not a lie with her taken into consideration, either - she was kind to him and cared for him and Severus knows it was genuine, he knows it's his fault it ended the way it did, but it doesn't erase everything that happened around it. Lily needed Severus when they weren't in school because he was her link to magic, but after, she had a whole new world of people who were rich and influential and charismatic. Even as children.
He couldn't compete. He would have been easy to discard anyway; that he gave her such a painful excuse only made it cathartic for her. ]
I grew up in wartime. Some children were more exposed to it than others.
[ Somewhere along the line from dealing them to this point, the cards became unimportant and whatever structural lesson Claire was trying to teach about poker has become that much less important. She still lays cards down, when it's her turn, but there's less strategy involved. His poker face is decidedly better than hers, anyway, which is why she tries not to look at him until she has no choice but to, unless she wants to run the risk of looking like she's deliberately trying to avoid eye contact.
She isn't, but she also doesn't want her sympathy to insult him, and Claire has never been very good at keeping sentiment from stamping itself ugly across her face. Saying that she felt sorry for him wouldn't be the entire truth; still, Claire doesn't have any other ways of quantifying what it is she feels. Protective, maybe, like she wants to shield him the way she does with everyone she cares about, some byproduct of being indestructible. It's all very futile. ]
I can't imagine growing up like that. [ Her voice is soft and searching. Claire grew up with arms and faces that loved her and protected her from the atrocities of the world, no matter how many of them she would eventually come to turn and face on her own. ] Sorry, I don't - I mean, I know it's obviously not a fun thing to talk about. I'm obviously not a very good teacher.
[ She sweeps her hand horizontally to gesture toward the cards. ]
[ Severus picks up a card and flips it between the fingers of one hand. The face of it changes, a moving picture of a garden. ]
I am capable of dealing with it all and that's the only thing that matters. [ He says this plainly. He's useful. That's it. He's bitter and resentful but no one else could have done it; he knows that keenly. He was a teenager when it began and he held the entire war on his shoulders at age twenty-one and everyone else his age and older fell apart while he didn't.
So it's fine. Like Edgeworth attacking him instead of someone else is fine. ]
[ Claire smiles despite herself. No telling whether or not it's directed at that small bit of permission, that compliment, or the changing face of the card into something more complex. ]
You shouldn't have had to. All of it.
[ Her tone is aware enough that although that's her thought on the matter, she's able to detach it enough from wishful thinking and ground it in reality. He shouldn't have had to, but he did, and that's the way that it is and the world works, and it sucks, and she's sorry about it without being culpable, but he's dealt with it. Is dealing with it. He could have killed Edgeworth today. He didn't. That's saying something. Claire obviously thinks better of him than he does of himself, and she's made that clear to him once before at least. It's fine. She'll keep it up until she's given reason not to. ]
Not that good.
[ She adds, plucking the card from him and examining it. ]
[ It's not perfectly photo-realistic; a half-memory, a little illusion with leaves moving in a breeze, a bird, a butterfly. It'll last for a day or so then begin to fade back to numbers and diamonds.
Pity makes him rankle and sympathy is just as bad. He has to steel himself against her words, knowing her intent is probably harmless but being unused to it. He's never needed anyone to defend him or protect him and he feels insulted by the implication that he does - at least she isn't stepping in anywhere. While Severus feels poorly about the fact that he and Ilde are still at odds, he isn't sorry for being angry at her about what she did. It crossed a line he can't deal with. ]
Better than I am.
[ This is-- too much. To talk about. All of it. Severus sits forward and slides his feet to the floor. ]
I need to go back to the labs and find something to do.
[ She curls the card down into her palm, caught between two fingers, and then sets it aside, outside of the rest of the deck as she begins to gather the cards back up. Maybe one day they'll finish the game and be able to sit in some sort of cohesive silence that isn't rankled with one or the other of them not knowing what to do or how to react. Claire isn't altogether sure why she wants it or him around half as much as she does, but if it came too easy, she would question it just as much, if not more.
He makes a good point, anyway, about leaving. Someone should look in on Nathan, and Peter doesn't have to be the one to do it when he's not working. The cards catch on the sides of the box they come in as she puts them away - down one ace of spades - but she doesn't get up even as he moves to do so. ]
If you're offended by my ability to teach you to play poker, you don't have to make excuses. I won't take it personally.
[ He's on his feet and near the door when she makes the poker remark - he's sort of running away, but he's not hiding; he's exposed enough of himself here to be absolved of hiding from anything. Severus just needs to recharge. Desperately, at this point.
He looks over his shoulder. ]
Alright, you're shite at cards.
[ Door opens. Severus steps out. If he smiles she can barely catch it before it closes again, and he Disapparates. ]
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no subject
Granted, there's no way to disconnect from someone you are sitting four feet across from. Knowing him, as much as she does, he'd find a way. But. The door's right there and it hasn't gone anywhere, and he's still sitting four feet across from her, even following that. ]
Okay. Thanks.
[ Sometimes they are very verbose. ]
no subject
[ --is probably not something he should bother saying, he thinks the second it's out of his mouth. But it's true. People tend to either be too frightened of him to argue or too eager to get rid of him to draw it out, no matter the interaction. Anything fraught with tension just makes it that much more intense. He doesn't think Claire's afraid of him (maybe she should be just on principle) but he doesn't understand why she wants him to act like this. She's not getting anything out of their association besides the occasional dinner made and the headache of having to associate with him at all. ]
no subject
[ She sincerely hopes that doesn't come out sounding as bitchy as she thinks that it does in her head a nanosecond after having said it. If anything, maybe it just sounds pushy, which is something that she can deal with and even likes about herself. In the end, with what she's been able to piece together about him without outright asking - and now it seems stupid that she never has, with what he's just admitted, and yet Claire stills finds herself unable to ask the questions that she wants to. How long? and why? and what was it like? and a hundred other things no one with a concussion needs to be bombarded with - she understands why his reactions are what they are. Claire just waits it out, hoping that she's doing it right.
Maybe one of these days something insane will happen as a result of her choices, and he'll get to take a look and see what her life is comprised of and decide that he doesn't like it either, and then she'll have confirmation that sticking her neck out there is only worth it in the physical sense. ]
Didn't you ever have, like... you know, a best friend or something, growing up?
[ Claire can't imagine that he was totally without something positive for the entirety of his life this far. It just doesn't seem fair. ]
no subject
Her question is unpleasant.
He smiles-- brief, cracked, humorless, but it vanishes in an instant as his gaze twitches away. ]
I had a social circle. People who thought I was useful, until I wasn't.
[ He won't mention Lily. He will never mention Lily. It's not a lie with her taken into consideration, either - she was kind to him and cared for him and Severus knows it was genuine, he knows it's his fault it ended the way it did, but it doesn't erase everything that happened around it. Lily needed Severus when they weren't in school because he was her link to magic, but after, she had a whole new world of people who were rich and influential and charismatic. Even as children.
He couldn't compete. He would have been easy to discard anyway; that he gave her such a painful excuse only made it cathartic for her. ]
I grew up in wartime. Some children were more exposed to it than others.
[ Which sort of child he was should be obvious. ]
no subject
She isn't, but she also doesn't want her sympathy to insult him, and Claire has never been very good at keeping sentiment from stamping itself ugly across her face. Saying that she felt sorry for him wouldn't be the entire truth; still, Claire doesn't have any other ways of quantifying what it is she feels. Protective, maybe, like she wants to shield him the way she does with everyone she cares about, some byproduct of being indestructible. It's all very futile. ]
I can't imagine growing up like that. [ Her voice is soft and searching. Claire grew up with arms and faces that loved her and protected her from the atrocities of the world, no matter how many of them she would eventually come to turn and face on her own. ] Sorry, I don't - I mean, I know it's obviously not a fun thing to talk about. I'm obviously not a very good teacher.
[ She sweeps her hand horizontally to gesture toward the cards. ]
no subject
[ Severus picks up a card and flips it between the fingers of one hand. The face of it changes, a moving picture of a garden. ]
I am capable of dealing with it all and that's the only thing that matters. [ He says this plainly. He's useful. That's it. He's bitter and resentful but no one else could have done it; he knows that keenly. He was a teenager when it began and he held the entire war on his shoulders at age twenty-one and everyone else his age and older fell apart while he didn't.
So it's fine. Like Edgeworth attacking him instead of someone else is fine. ]
You're better at this than you think.
[ People. Not cards. ]
no subject
You shouldn't have had to. All of it.
[ Her tone is aware enough that although that's her thought on the matter, she's able to detach it enough from wishful thinking and ground it in reality. He shouldn't have had to, but he did, and that's the way that it is and the world works, and it sucks, and she's sorry about it without being culpable, but he's dealt with it. Is dealing with it. He could have killed Edgeworth today. He didn't. That's saying something. Claire obviously thinks better of him than he does of himself, and she's made that clear to him once before at least. It's fine. She'll keep it up until she's given reason not to. ]
Not that good.
[ She adds, plucking the card from him and examining it. ]
no subject
Pity makes him rankle and sympathy is just as bad. He has to steel himself against her words, knowing her intent is probably harmless but being unused to it. He's never needed anyone to defend him or protect him and he feels insulted by the implication that he does - at least she isn't stepping in anywhere. While Severus feels poorly about the fact that he and Ilde are still at odds, he isn't sorry for being angry at her about what she did. It crossed a line he can't deal with. ]
Better than I am.
[ This is-- too much. To talk about. All of it. Severus sits forward and slides his feet to the floor. ]
I need to go back to the labs and find something to do.
no subject
[ She curls the card down into her palm, caught between two fingers, and then sets it aside, outside of the rest of the deck as she begins to gather the cards back up. Maybe one day they'll finish the game and be able to sit in some sort of cohesive silence that isn't rankled with one or the other of them not knowing what to do or how to react. Claire isn't altogether sure why she wants it or him around half as much as she does, but if it came too easy, she would question it just as much, if not more.
He makes a good point, anyway, about leaving. Someone should look in on Nathan, and Peter doesn't have to be the one to do it when he's not working. The cards catch on the sides of the box they come in as she puts them away - down one ace of spades - but she doesn't get up even as he moves to do so. ]
If you're offended by my ability to teach you to play poker, you don't have to make excuses. I won't take it personally.
no subject
He looks over his shoulder. ]
Alright, you're shite at cards.
[ Door opens. Severus steps out. If he smiles she can barely catch it before it closes again, and he Disapparates. ]