[ Claire snorts derisively, taking a few moments to stay quiet and pick at the ends of her hair. ]
Honestly, I wouldn't put it past the ship to pull us out of the fray just because it got bored with the current torture session and decided it has something better in mind further down the line.
[ It's easier to talk about the ship than it is to talk about Peter being stuck somewhere that no one could reach him, that she couldn't. And what was she doing at that point? Running around the countryside, trying to parse through her impressions of Samuel, gearing up to expose everyone? There's no use in feeling guilty about it now, she realizes, while she takes a breath and lets it out, frustrated. ]
How is it that people have been stuck here for so long and still haven't managed to figure it out?
Because they get a little wrapped up in what's happening now. What they're in the middle of.
[ Though, he almost laughed at Claire's idea of the going's ons. Almost. Peter doesn't really do the laughing thing (a fact he knows Claire is aware of) but it's still sadistically humorous in all the wrong kind of ways. The sad kind of ways. ]
I think it's always got something better coming. Why people think that it's gonna stop anytime soon is beyond me, but i'd be hard pressed to believe it hasn't got things planned out for a good long while. It's ahead of everyone on board and it's got a backseat pass into everything. What it doesn't plan all it has to do is find out.
[ Peter's just running with his own thoughts; nothing that he's thought about too much but simple theories that he still manages to believe in. Not that they're even theories so much as what-should-be-obvious's but maybe it isn't to some people. Peter just doesn't know those people; or maybe he doesn't remember them. ]
Nathan could say it better. [ Because that's not a slight shift of topics. ]
I keep meaning to go back through the Network, look at everything, try to help, but...
[ But if people like Nathan or Peter or Severus haven't managed to figure it out, how is she expected to? Privately, Claire thinks this ship business plays a little like some of Lyle's video games. Too bad she never paid any real amount of attention to any of them. She finds it inherently difficult not to go charging in without even bothering to look over her shoulder, the same way that she would have faced any issue that they needed to deal with at home. All the hesitation she had experienced at one point or another has gone.
The action isn't what scares her. These quiet moments, hushed topics, like discussing the dead, are what really make her nervous. ]
Nathan could say it with a more political spin. [ But she isn't disagreeing. ] How are you, with that?
[ With Nathan, with all of it. She knows he's spoken a little bit of Sylar's position in all of this, but she's not going to forget the desperate look on Peter's face after the funeral, both of them bloody and him just completely lost. ]
Peter freezes, as well as anyone over the phone can freeze, not saying anything for long seconds that leave him feeling as if he's creating his own personal dead air. It's almost easier to talk about Sylar than it is to talk about this, if only because he has no idea how to confront himself. It's like looking at his past through a mirror and seeing the very worst of what he's done shining through. There's nothing simple about it, but when is anything easy - he's already gone over that.
This ship isn't easy, their live aren't easy, and Nathan's apparent inability to stay dead is something that's going to kill Peter if he doesn't watch where he's going. ]
I'm not okay with any of it. [ Oh jesus christ, he's not going to get choked up about this while simultaneously sounding like an asshole. He takes another second, because he doesn't want it to sound all wrong, but he's not sure how to twist his words until they make sense, either. ]
I don't know how to have him back- I don't know how to do this. I can't tell him anything about Sylar, I can't explain anything, and there he is. Just telling me I should stay in comm's for a few days until I get my act together. He's just there. And i'm not mad at him for it, i'd rather have him alive than dead, but accepting it- I can't do it again.
[ She knows all of it. This constant conflict right underneath your breastbone, a hundred thousand words just trying to get out but no possible way of actually putting them together to form coherent sentences. It's terrible, but some of the pressure in being the only one to have experienced that secret lessens, and she feels a connection with Peter that she hasn't pinged so strongly in what feels like forever, like they're shouldering this burden that they always do, the lines of their shoulders hard against the backdrop of whatever destruction is looming up behind them. ]
I know. [ She says that because it's the only thing she can say, for a moment. ] It's - I can't even - I wouldn't even know where to begin explaining how to push through it. You just have to... you have to just keep pushing. The hardest part is not knowing if it any of it's real, if it's permanent. But we can get each other through it, just like always. Just... please don't sit around listening to police scanners and jumping into hostage situations.
[ Her tone is trying for a joke, gently, testing the water, but she's serious, too. She can't lose Peter, not now. ]
[ There's something in knowing he doesn't have to be the only one. He might have guilt stacked in weights a mile high, a record of Nathan's face marking each one, but he has someone to stand with in a front against their own lives. Its nigh unbearable, that Nathan has become something to be withstood but it's not so much the man as it is the loss of the space he occupies. And within that is all the problems it creates; each person who finds Nathan important is one more that Peter knows can't possibly understand.
This place has once more made room for a space that only Claire can fill because she's the one that knows. She's the only one who brought Peter back. ]
Don't think I could take on another one? Thought I handled my first one pretty well. Besides, I don't think we've even got any police scanners sitting around, unless I wanted to keep my comm broadcasting the latest reels of information... not a bad idea, actually. [ Peter's teasing right back (sort of) because he knows he has to; because it's the only thing keeping him standing - to know they both have to shoulder through this as long as they're doing it together. But he can't keep the humor around for long, either. ]
Claire, if I stop and think that this is real now, that it's permanent- [ Peter's at a loss for words, needing actions to replicate his feelings when he knows there are none he can take. ] I don't want him to stay dead. But I only just accepted that he is. I moved on, I can't believe I ever- [ Don't say it. ] I can't believe that he's both, even if there's nothing stopping it from being real.
[ She can't even admonish him those habits with any amount of sincerity that isn't hypocritical. After all, she's been berating her friends - how weird is that, to have multiple - for the entire duration of the ship's last descent into madness for running into things they don't stand a chance against and instead asking them to allow her to take the brunt of things. Claire supposes that she gets that from him, or maybe it's some inherent trait that runs through their bloodline. There's no way of being sure. Either way, she makes a soft sound, like a snort, as amused as it's not, sort of jaded and resigned. Instead of parsing through what she's feeling, she settles on frustration, or at least exasperation, because - ]
That's exactly - that's how I felt, the second that I saw him. You can't... I couldn't figure out how to relate those two ideas with each other, when we'd just buried him so soon before I showed up here. [ If she's being honest, Claire still isn't sure she's managed to marry those two ideas. ] It made it felt like all that grieving didn't matter, especially when I didn't know what was going on, being here. Now, it doesn't make it any less real, it doesn't make it matter any less, but it makes it - [ An exhale, sharp and loud. ] - it's just hard. You would think with the way our world works, maybe we would get used to it. There's no getting used to it.
[ Sometimes Peter wants to go back to the moment where he first met Claire and impress upon the fact that she saved him from his solitude. That she was the one that brought him back from the fear of a life spent alone; away from a brother who refused to understand and a family that filled his head with lies of an illness he couldn't possibly have. Because instead of feeling crazy, around Claire he only ever feels sane. Like they're able to fit their thoughts together and somehow become a reasonable human - except for all those times they do really stupid shit - one that makes sense and feels a deeper sense of reality. Claire always solidified things, grounded him back down, reminded him that he was someone he could see in others. ]
I'm just glad Nathan doesn't want an explanation, because I don't have one to give. At least one that he'd understand - I don't even know if he'd be able to stomach it. But he shouldn't have to, either. Shouldn't have to hear about what happens after his own death. [ Peter's shaking his head, even if it can't be seen, thinking through ideas as he's saying them. ]
You're right, it doesn't- Being back here with Nathan doesn't make our mourning mean anything less. It doesn't make anything we went through less real, but it doesn't make Nathan less real either. It'll be treating him like he's just Nathan that'll be the hard part. I know he knows, but he doesn't need to live with the idea of it, either. [ He pauses to exhale; strained. ] But I don't think I can watch him die a second time.
[ He's right, of course, that has been the hardest part: looking at Nathan and knowing what's coming and being unsure of how to step around him. She lost him just when she was getting to know him, and resigned herself to never having the opportunity. She and Peter are two sides of the same coin, in that respect. He's had years and decades to know him and lost him over a prolonged period that shouldn't have happened to begin with, and she barely knew Nathan and lost him all the same. Now they're back at the middle again and no matter how much they're able to ground each other, in some ways it's never going to be quite enough. ]
I could say that it gets easier, and in some ways it does. Everything we do involves adapting, even the hard stuff. But you don't forget it. It doesn't ever go away. Every time I look at him, it's all I can think about. You just have to... I don't know, Peter. You just have to. [ And as for that last bit. ] He's not gonna die a second time, not here. He's got you and me to make sure of it.
[ It might be a false promise. Neither of them can determine or dictate what the ship decides. They can try, though. The future not being written in stone, and all that. ]
ikr now if only i could stay up late and still sleep a lot
Think we can keep him from going out and getting himself involved? The same guy who stormed the bridge and was at the front of the line?
[ Peter almost sounds amused but it's equal parts worry strewn through the words. If it was all that easy, they would've managed it already but with a brother that was once in the military and then dove head first into politics, the idea of keeping Nathan out of trouble seems almost ridiculous. But maybe it's simpler than he thinks it is; maybe Claire and Peter are enough to make Nathan stop and take a step back, to not be the one at the front of the line if only because they both can't take the hit of losing him another time. ]
I don't know, seems like that'll be the hardest part out of all of this. Ignoring fate all over again and making a new path- doesn't matter how many times he nearly died back home, this'll be something different. We'll make it be different, we've done it before. We'll make sure he doesn't go out and start finding as much trouble as he can, i'll- I don't know, i'll keep him from thinking he's still twenty. Man's gotta know his limits. [ He snorts; Petrelli's don't really know their limits, not ever. They walk all over them and keep going just to prove a point, but it's worth a shot. ]
[ Claire mirrors his tone. Even she knows that's impossible, and shouldn't try to stop him. But she would try to stand in front of him. And if it comes down to it, Claire isn't afraid to use that playing card to try and stop him from doing something similar to stepping in front of a train. ]
If it helps, I can remind him that he's old enough to have a daughter that's over eighteen. [ She's joking, which seems inappropriate, but sometimes you have to say something funny. Especially between the two of them. Things get way too serious way too fast. ] We don't have to stop him from doing anything that he's done before, just... we do what we always do for each other. We keep an eye out.
exactly! i want my four hours of sleep a night back
[ Ish. Peter isn't sure how well he's going to be able to keep that up, instead wanting to put himself in the line of fire in front of Nathan whenever possible. But his big brother is damn good at putting a target on his back by standing the tallest of them all and Peter, as usual, just isn't sure sure he'll be able to keep up. Even for Nathan's sake. ]
And hey, whatever you can tell him to help, I'll take it. It's not like he's going to feel all that bad for a brother who's almost in his- [ Those birthday's counted but they won't make sense to anyone but him. That doesn't mean it isn't a strain; something so simple turning around to bite him in the ass. ] -thirties. You'll give him more of a reason than I will. [ Especially since he wasn't reason enough the first time. ]
[ Claire doesn't put much faith in her own ability to discourage Nathan from doing anything. Experience dictates otherwise far too much. He's a freight train barreling down the tracks to whatever destination he has in mind, and she's just standing in front of it, trying to push it backward with outstretched palms.
Sometimes, though, maybe something she's said or done has switched the track at the last minute. ]
You mean about how you're getting old? [ The curl at the corner of her mouth reminds her that maybe now isn't the time to be teasing. ] No, I haven't been able to figure out how to bring any of it up. Even more than just... what happens. Just... any of it.
[ She's tried, a couple times, but something has always set her back. ]
[ He says it like a guy who's a little behind on the whole getting teased thing, like the only torment that's come his way as of late has been unwanted or nonexistent. Its not like he doesn't know how to tease back but he sure as hell feels a little left out, like he's not quite sure what path he's on and which way he's supposed to be going.
But dealing with Nathan is such a different beast that Peter can hardly stand it. His brother's an entity that he's grown used to thinking is gone, even if it's the last thing he wanted, that to now have to figure out how to put up with him all over again is a testament to their ability to stand tall despite the odds. Petrelli blood is a funny thing; useful at the worst of times. ]
He asked me about his own funeral. Like he was asking about the weather.
[ Peter's kind of ashamed by his own answer, second guessing whether or not he should've spilled the whole ordeal or not. Maybe it would've been better, taken care of it now instead of later when Nathan'll ask again. But Peter's just not sure and what's done is done. ]
[ There's nothing to be ashamed of in saying nothing. Believing as much would make Claire a hypocrite of the highest degree. It's this nebulous unknown that they tiptoe around without ever crossing into, each one of them as unsure as the next. Claire can't find anything to fault. ]
I'm not surprised that he asked. [ Her tone suggestions the truth in that. ] In the context of being here... I'm not sure that it really matters. There's no... undoing it. Just means that everything in between counts that much more.
If he asks again, i'd take telling him about his funeral over what's happened since then. I mean, not about you but about Sylar. [ But Peter's not even sure that's true and it leaves him silent for a few more seconds. He has no idea what he'd tell Nathan, and he's not entirely sure if it's to protect his brother or himself. ]
We can keep him from finding anything out, but i'm not sure what the point's gonna be for too long. He wants to know what's happened, he'll what to know what's happened to us without him. I know it's his only chance to find out but I don't... I can't just tell him my life's gone on without him in it. I know it's what he'll want to hear but I can't say it.
[ Something fills her chest rapidly and deflates just as quickly, some nervous energy dispelled when he affirms and reaffirms. Claire tries no to let it show through the white noise of his call. Once it settles, something different takes its place at the mention of Sylar. ]
It's what he would want even at home and whatever afterlife is there, Peter. That's what I was trying to tell you, at the ambulance. You don't honor his memory but putting it on a shelf and never moving from staring at it.
[ She feels like she's back with his blood all over her hands and down into the grooves of her fingernails. The metallic tang is almost tangible, in her mouth. ]
[ Peter knows how it sounds and Claire's words make him shrink back, shoulders dropping and words quieting into something frustrated and lost. He's horrible at this, he knows that, he learned it the painfully hard way but Nathan doesn't know that and it's the worst part. His brother wasn't there for his fucked up mourning process and now Peter can't help but feel like they were emotions he shouldn't have struggled with to begin with. Emotions he shouldn't be struggling with all over again.
He just can't help but feel like it shouldn't be Claire's responsibility to help him move on. ]
I've done everything but honor his memory. [ Peter shakes his head, trying not to wallow and failing miserably. ] Maybe he'll stop asking.
[ She would never want him to feel unjustified or wrong in his approach, but, still, it's frustrating. Everyone grieves in their own way, but if it means, in his case, that he's going to run out and do something reckless, Claire is fine with telling him how stupid he's being. Without having to confirm it, she knows that what she had said about Nathan being so pissed hadn't been a mistake. She just hates the idea of Peter having to deal with anything on his own.
Besides, she's the only one who gets to act reckless in this family. ]
[ Oh, c'mon, they share the reckless behavior gene. Peter even had it long before Claire was born, but it's not something he's inclined to brag about. If anything, it's something he'd prefer to brush under the rug while doling it out anyway - nailguns, anyone? Rash behavior has become his middle name and now he's struck trying to figure out how to behave in a world that's turned back the clock and expects him to deal with space all at the same time.
It's a little much all at once, but Peter snorts, shaking his head even if she can't see it. 'That's not how this works', he wants to say. There's no one else to do it, so he has to. All the reasons he's given himself before still exist but they're nothing he'd say out loud. Well, sort of. ]
But it's what i'm best at, Claire. [ He's teasing, or at least he's trying to. ] I feel like i've completely lost track of time. Five years and I don't even know what you've been doing. Apart from what I saw at the carnival. It's like I lost everything except Sylar.
[ He might actually be teasing, trying to, but Claire takes what he says to heart in a way that she's sure he'll anticipate. They do the same thing: try to turn things into a joke or find the humor in all the bleakness to make bearing the weight they have to shoulder a little easier. Peter can't hide from her, though, and he can't kid a kidder. Over the years she has gotten very good at hiding things and also very good at knowing when he isn't being entirely forthcoming.
Speaking of years... ]
I feel like time has no meaning in a place like this. We're all pulled from spots that are so completely different, it almost makes you wonder why trying to keep all of it in a cohesive line makes any difference at all. [ Of course it does, for reasons like the ones they've been discussing. ] I I've been here, you know. Just trying to... survive? Keep it together? Figure things out? I don't know. This is just like college but in space and maybe if college was made of nightmare fuel.
[ Although, considering her college experiences maybe that isn't too far off the mark. For a moment, Claire chews on her lip. ]
I hate hearing you say that. Everything except Sylar. It sounds all wrong.
I've started to think that time has whatever meaning you want it to have. And maybe it doesn't matter because we don't remember it, but while we're here it still means something. It's our reality. Like you said- we're all just figuring out how to survive, how to get by. How to live in this, and without the passing of time nothing we're experiencing is all that real.
I don't know. [ Peter's voice dwindles off for a few seconds, trying to gather his thoughts. ] Five years trying to stay sane might've made up my mind a little.
But It just is what it is, Claire. I don't even know if it's all that wrong anymore, he's just who I have. And I know I have you too, that's not what I mean. But you- you're somewhere else. All Sylar has is me. [ Peter says it the best way he knows how because he doesn't know how to make it easy. He doesn't know how to take the sting from the facts and can't begin to imagine what it's like for Claire to hear. He knows it hurts, that it's wrong, but he can't change what he's grown into.
[ She wants to say that she's come to the conclusion that time has no determination in her life because what is time to someone who's going to live forever? The thought is a lonely one, and it makes her feel precariously balanced on the line between panicking and resignation. Given the context of the conversation, it also leaves her terrified at the thought of being trapped with Sylar for the rest of forever, but at this point she isn't sure whether the sentiment would be understood or not. Sympathized with, probably, and she can't doubt Peter's capacity for empathy, especially when it comes to her. But it's different.
Distantly, she realizes that she feels a little sick. ]
I would have killed him. Found a way somehow. I told him, back when - [ Her voice catches, as the sequence of events catches up with her thought process, and she swallows bile. ] I told him that I would try to find a way every day to kill him. He came to school, you know. He created this whole illusion and k - [ What, Claire, forced himself on you, again? Pretended to kidnap your only friend so you could face some harsh truths? ] I get it. I get that you were trapped somewhere for so long, and I'm sorry that I was somewhere else. If I could have been there with you I would have, you know that. You've got me here, every step of the way.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
/rolls into your arms
Honestly, I wouldn't put it past the ship to pull us out of the fray just because it got bored with the current torture session and decided it has something better in mind further down the line.
[ It's easier to talk about the ship than it is to talk about Peter being stuck somewhere that no one could reach him, that she couldn't. And what was she doing at that point? Running around the countryside, trying to parse through her impressions of Samuel, gearing up to expose everyone? There's no use in feeling guilty about it now, she realizes, while she takes a breath and lets it out, frustrated. ]
How is it that people have been stuck here for so long and still haven't managed to figure it out?
/wraps up!!
[ Though, he almost laughed at Claire's idea of the going's ons. Almost. Peter doesn't really do the laughing thing (a fact he knows Claire is aware of) but it's still sadistically humorous in all the wrong kind of ways. The sad kind of ways. ]
I think it's always got something better coming. Why people think that it's gonna stop anytime soon is beyond me, but i'd be hard pressed to believe it hasn't got things planned out for a good long while. It's ahead of everyone on board and it's got a backseat pass into everything. What it doesn't plan all it has to do is find out.
[ Peter's just running with his own thoughts; nothing that he's thought about too much but simple theories that he still manages to believe in. Not that they're even theories so much as what-should-be-obvious's but maybe it isn't to some people. Peter just doesn't know those people; or maybe he doesn't remember them. ]
Nathan could say it better. [ Because that's not a slight shift of topics. ]
eeeeee
[ But if people like Nathan or Peter or Severus haven't managed to figure it out, how is she expected to? Privately, Claire thinks this ship business plays a little like some of Lyle's video games. Too bad she never paid any real amount of attention to any of them. She finds it inherently difficult not to go charging in without even bothering to look over her shoulder, the same way that she would have faced any issue that they needed to deal with at home. All the hesitation she had experienced at one point or another has gone.
The action isn't what scares her. These quiet moments, hushed topics, like discussing the dead, are what really make her nervous. ]
Nathan could say it with a more political spin. [ But she isn't disagreeing. ] How are you, with that?
[ With Nathan, with all of it. She knows he's spoken a little bit of Sylar's position in all of this, but she's not going to forget the desperate look on Peter's face after the funeral, both of them bloody and him just completely lost. ]
jfkl; you're awfully lovely
Peter freezes, as well as anyone over the phone can freeze, not saying anything for long seconds that leave him feeling as if he's creating his own personal dead air. It's almost easier to talk about Sylar than it is to talk about this, if only because he has no idea how to confront himself. It's like looking at his past through a mirror and seeing the very worst of what he's done shining through. There's nothing simple about it, but when is anything easy - he's already gone over that.
This ship isn't easy, their live aren't easy, and Nathan's apparent inability to stay dead is something that's going to kill Peter if he doesn't watch where he's going. ]
I'm not okay with any of it. [ Oh jesus christ, he's not going to get choked up about this while simultaneously sounding like an asshole. He takes another second, because he doesn't want it to sound all wrong, but he's not sure how to twist his words until they make sense, either. ]
I don't know how to have him back- I don't know how to do this. I can't tell him anything about Sylar, I can't explain anything, and there he is. Just telling me I should stay in comm's for a few days until I get my act together. He's just there. And i'm not mad at him for it, i'd rather have him alive than dead, but accepting it- I can't do it again.
Couldn't even do it the first time.
alkjf no u
I know. [ She says that because it's the only thing she can say, for a moment. ] It's - I can't even - I wouldn't even know where to begin explaining how to push through it. You just have to... you have to just keep pushing. The hardest part is not knowing if it any of it's real, if it's permanent. But we can get each other through it, just like always. Just... please don't sit around listening to police scanners and jumping into hostage situations.
[ Her tone is trying for a joke, gently, testing the water, but she's serious, too. She can't lose Peter, not now. ]
no no U
This place has once more made room for a space that only Claire can fill because she's the one that knows. She's the only one who brought Peter back. ]
Don't think I could take on another one? Thought I handled my first one pretty well. Besides, I don't think we've even got any police scanners sitting around, unless I wanted to keep my comm broadcasting the latest reels of information... not a bad idea, actually. [ Peter's teasing right back (sort of) because he knows he has to; because it's the only thing keeping him standing - to know they both have to shoulder through this as long as they're doing it together. But he can't keep the humor around for long, either. ]
Claire, if I stop and think that this is real now, that it's permanent- [ Peter's at a loss for words, needing actions to replicate his feelings when he knows there are none he can take. ] I don't want him to stay dead. But I only just accepted that he is. I moved on, I can't believe I ever- [ Don't say it. ] I can't believe that he's both, even if there's nothing stopping it from being real.
i am lovely until i fall asleep
That's exactly - that's how I felt, the second that I saw him. You can't... I couldn't figure out how to relate those two ideas with each other, when we'd just buried him so soon before I showed up here. [ If she's being honest, Claire still isn't sure she's managed to marry those two ideas. ] It made it felt like all that grieving didn't matter, especially when I didn't know what was going on, being here. Now, it doesn't make it any less real, it doesn't make it matter any less, but it makes it - [ An exhale, sharp and loud. ] - it's just hard. You would think with the way our world works, maybe we would get used to it. There's no getting used to it.
PFFF i guess you're allowed to do that
[ Sometimes Peter wants to go back to the moment where he first met Claire and impress upon the fact that she saved him from his solitude. That she was the one that brought him back from the fear of a life spent alone; away from a brother who refused to understand and a family that filled his head with lies of an illness he couldn't possibly have. Because instead of feeling crazy, around Claire he only ever feels sane. Like they're able to fit their thoughts together and somehow become a reasonable human - except for all those times they do really stupid shit - one that makes sense and feels a deeper sense of reality. Claire always solidified things, grounded him back down, reminded him that he was someone he could see in others. ]
I'm just glad Nathan doesn't want an explanation, because I don't have one to give. At least one that he'd understand - I don't even know if he'd be able to stomach it. But he shouldn't have to, either. Shouldn't have to hear about what happens after his own death. [ Peter's shaking his head, even if it can't be seen, thinking through ideas as he's saying them. ]
You're right, it doesn't- Being back here with Nathan doesn't make our mourning mean anything less. It doesn't make anything we went through less real, but it doesn't make Nathan less real either. It'll be treating him like he's just Nathan that'll be the hard part. I know he knows, but he doesn't need to live with the idea of it, either. [ He pauses to exhale; strained. ] But I don't think I can watch him die a second time.
oh good because i do love to sleep
I could say that it gets easier, and in some ways it does. Everything we do involves adapting, even the hard stuff. But you don't forget it. It doesn't ever go away. Every time I look at him, it's all I can think about. You just have to... I don't know, Peter. You just have to. [ And as for that last bit. ] He's not gonna die a second time, not here. He's got you and me to make sure of it.
[ It might be a false promise. Neither of them can determine or dictate what the ship decides. They can try, though. The future not being written in stone, and all that. ]
ikr now if only i could stay up late and still sleep a lot
[ Peter almost sounds amused but it's equal parts worry strewn through the words. If it was all that easy, they would've managed it already but with a brother that was once in the military and then dove head first into politics, the idea of keeping Nathan out of trouble seems almost ridiculous. But maybe it's simpler than he thinks it is; maybe Claire and Peter are enough to make Nathan stop and take a step back, to not be the one at the front of the line if only because they both can't take the hit of losing him another time. ]
I don't know, seems like that'll be the hardest part out of all of this. Ignoring fate all over again and making a new path- doesn't matter how many times he nearly died back home, this'll be something different. We'll make it be different, we've done it before. We'll make sure he doesn't go out and start finding as much trouble as he can, i'll- I don't know, i'll keep him from thinking he's still twenty. Man's gotta know his limits. [ He snorts; Petrelli's don't really know their limits, not ever. They walk all over them and keep going just to prove a point, but it's worth a shot. ]
right. like in the days of our youth
[ Claire mirrors his tone. Even she knows that's impossible, and shouldn't try to stop him. But she would try to stand in front of him. And if it comes down to it, Claire isn't afraid to use that playing card to try and stop him from doing something similar to stepping in front of a train. ]
If it helps, I can remind him that he's old enough to have a daughter that's over eighteen. [ She's joking, which seems inappropriate, but sometimes you have to say something funny. Especially between the two of them. Things get way too serious way too fast. ] We don't have to stop him from doing anything that he's done before, just... we do what we always do for each other. We keep an eye out.
exactly! i want my four hours of sleep a night back
[ Ish. Peter isn't sure how well he's going to be able to keep that up, instead wanting to put himself in the line of fire in front of Nathan whenever possible. But his big brother is damn good at putting a target on his back by standing the tallest of them all and Peter, as usual, just isn't sure sure he'll be able to keep up. Even for Nathan's sake. ]
And hey, whatever you can tell him to help, I'll take it. It's not like he's going to feel all that bad for a brother who's almost in his- [ Those birthday's counted but they won't make sense to anyone but him. That doesn't mean it isn't a strain; something so simple turning around to bite him in the ass. ] -thirties. You'll give him more of a reason than I will. [ Especially since he wasn't reason enough the first time. ]
Have you told him anything?
me too ;; instead of like 11 hours
Sometimes, though, maybe something she's said or done has switched the track at the last minute. ]
You mean about how you're getting old? [ The curl at the corner of her mouth reminds her that maybe now isn't the time to be teasing. ] No, I haven't been able to figure out how to bring any of it up. Even more than just... what happens. Just... any of it.
[ She's tried, a couple times, but something has always set her back. ]
ikrikr IF ONLY
[ He says it like a guy who's a little behind on the whole getting teased thing, like the only torment that's come his way as of late has been unwanted or nonexistent. Its not like he doesn't know how to tease back but he sure as hell feels a little left out, like he's not quite sure what path he's on and which way he's supposed to be going.
But dealing with Nathan is such a different beast that Peter can hardly stand it. His brother's an entity that he's grown used to thinking is gone, even if it's the last thing he wanted, that to now have to figure out how to put up with him all over again is a testament to their ability to stand tall despite the odds. Petrelli blood is a funny thing; useful at the worst of times. ]
He asked me about his own funeral. Like he was asking about the weather.
UGH SORRY WORK IS EATING ME
What did you tell him?
WHAT'RE YOU SORRY FOR CRAZY
[ Peter's kind of ashamed by his own answer, second guessing whether or not he should've spilled the whole ordeal or not. Maybe it would've been better, taken care of it now instead of later when Nathan'll ask again. But Peter's just not sure and what's done is done. ]
I couldn't just tell him about his own eulogy.
BEING THE SLOWEST TO EVER SLOW
I'm not surprised that he asked. [ Her tone suggestions the truth in that. ] In the context of being here... I'm not sure that it really matters. There's no... undoing it. Just means that everything in between counts that much more.
OH MY GAAWWD YOU ARE NOT SLOW AT ALL SHOOSH
We can keep him from finding anything out, but i'm not sure what the point's gonna be for too long. He wants to know what's happened, he'll what to know what's happened to us without him. I know it's his only chance to find out but I don't... I can't just tell him my life's gone on without him in it. I know it's what he'll want to hear but I can't say it.
and then i replied three days later
It's what he would want even at home and whatever afterlife is there, Peter. That's what I was trying to tell you, at the ambulance. You don't honor his memory but putting it on a shelf and never moving from staring at it.
[ She feels like she's back with his blood all over her hands and down into the grooves of her fingernails. The metallic tang is almost tangible, in her mouth. ]
and then i still adored you anyway
He just can't help but feel like it shouldn't be Claire's responsibility to help him move on. ]
I've done everything but honor his memory. [ Peter shakes his head, trying not to wallow and failing miserably. ] Maybe he'll stop asking.
/rolls on
Besides, she's the only one who gets to act reckless in this family. ]
You have got to stop beating yourself up.
/gift wraps
It's a little much all at once, but Peter snorts, shaking his head even if she can't see it. 'That's not how this works', he wants to say. There's no one else to do it, so he has to. All the reasons he's given himself before still exist but they're nothing he'd say out loud. Well, sort of. ]
But it's what i'm best at, Claire. [ He's teasing, or at least he's trying to. ] I feel like i've completely lost track of time. Five years and I don't even know what you've been doing. Apart from what I saw at the carnival. It's like I lost everything except Sylar.
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Speaking of years... ]
I feel like time has no meaning in a place like this. We're all pulled from spots that are so completely different, it almost makes you wonder why trying to keep all of it in a cohesive line makes any difference at all. [ Of course it does, for reasons like the ones they've been discussing. ] I I've been here, you know. Just trying to... survive? Keep it together? Figure things out? I don't know. This is just like college but in space and maybe if college was made of nightmare fuel.
[ Although, considering her college experiences maybe that isn't too far off the mark. For a moment, Claire chews on her lip. ]
I hate hearing you say that. Everything except Sylar. It sounds all wrong.
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I don't know. [ Peter's voice dwindles off for a few seconds, trying to gather his thoughts. ] Five years trying to stay sane might've made up my mind a little.
But It just is what it is, Claire. I don't even know if it's all that wrong anymore, he's just who I have. And I know I have you too, that's not what I mean. But you- you're somewhere else. All Sylar has is me. [ Peter says it the best way he knows how because he doesn't know how to make it easy. He doesn't know how to take the sting from the facts and can't begin to imagine what it's like for Claire to hear. He knows it hurts, that it's wrong, but he can't change what he's grown into.
What he's given up. ]
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Distantly, she realizes that she feels a little sick. ]
I would have killed him. Found a way somehow. I told him, back when - [ Her voice catches, as the sequence of events catches up with her thought process, and she swallows bile. ] I told him that I would try to find a way every day to kill him. He came to school, you know. He created this whole illusion and k - [ What, Claire, forced himself on you, again? Pretended to kidnap your only friend so you could face some harsh truths? ] I get it. I get that you were trapped somewhere for so long, and I'm sorry that I was somewhere else. If I could have been there with you I would have, you know that. You've got me here, every step of the way.
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