[ She has this urge to laugh suddenly, to dispel some of the anxiety and nervous, twitching energy that lurks underneath her clavicles and behind her ribcage. She doesn't, stomping it out at the last second by trapping it somewhere in her throat, but the self-deprecating quality is there in her tone when she addresses him again. ]
What if I fuck it up? You can't think like that. There would be no point in even getting out of bed in the morning if everything depended on a 'what if.'
[ Is out of her mouth before she has the wherewithal to trap it behind her teeth with a sharp bite down. She stares at him for a moment, feeling her eyebrows crease in the center, and then looks out over what she can see of the gardens in her immediate vicinity. ]
Right before I came here, I exposed myself and everyone else who might be like me or Nathan or Peter to the entire world. I have no idea what there is for me to fall back on, or for anyone else who might be different, for that matter. My life has been running and hiding from people who want to study me or use me or kill me. In some cases all of the above. And here - I'm still trying to figure out where I fit in, here.
[ Severus listens, and hears it like some people wouldn't, and the look in his eyes is one of understanding - he doesn't quite make it to sympathy, but he's just bot that sort of person.
He does respect what she's been through. He doesn't brush it off.
But
he can't flip a switch and change a lifetime's worth of conditioning. She has Nathan and Peter and a home somewhere, and even if that all burns, she still will have had it. Severus can't even imagine what that's like, and he can't begin to articulate why it's such a privilege.
He doesn't know what to say. He's suddenly exhausted. ]
[ All of that has burned, in one way or another. Her life and her home and her parents' marriage and everything about who she was disintegrated when she was sixteen. Nathan and Meredith are dead, and Noah is responsible for putting the person who violated her more than Brody ever could have tried to into her biological father's body and sending him around to walk and talk and hold onto her. Now Peter understands that person. It makes her skin crawl.
Even so, she can recognize what she had and what she has and for as challenging as everything in her life has been and for as terrible as most things have turned out, she would take all of the ruin and heartache that comes along with it to feel as loved and warm and surrounded as she has, a hundred times over. Maybe that makes her stupid or masochistic, but what's the point if no one - if she - never tries? She might as well let herself roam the wasteland for the rest of forever unattached and wandering and eternal. ]
Anyway.
[ Although she knows better than to feel self-conscious, she still does, running her fingers along the backs of her legs to brush some of the shredded grass from her pants. Claire doesn't know what to say either. She can't articulate why, just as much as he can't. She can't rightfully say that she doesn't know because she does, but there's no way of enunciating it, no vocabulary she even really possesses for it. It's just there. ]
It's not gardening. It's keeping the machinery running and making sure no one destroys anything. I think they might need to organize their own security soon, too, given how the security department is having endless fits over how hard walking patrols are.
[ Severus fidgets his hands, briefly, but forces himself to stop. This is a complete cop-out subject but also not. Secretly. ]
[ Coming off of that conversation, it's definitely not the best time to snort, but Claire still does, under her breath and turned away, something like the beginning of a grin pulling at the corner of her mouth. Her eyes fall to the motion of his hands, briefly. ]
I was thinking about doing a tour of all the departments, kind of like internships. I think security registered at something like a negative twelve on the desire scale. Next to comms.
[ Not that both departments don't have their merits, Claire just thinks she could be useful somewhere that doesn't seem to encompass the age old tradition of walking around with a flashlight, not to mention her personal opinions on their involvement in things. And she doesn't want to work under Nathan. For a hundred reasons. ]
I suggested that to Nathan. The woman he has working on it doesn't seem to like me. [ Said without any accusation. Severus is pretty sure Nathan forgets to add a disclaimer about him when the older man tells people to go talk to him. Merlin only knows why. If Clara doesn't want to talk to him anymore because he's too unsympathetic about other passengers, that's her business. ]
If the oxygen garden dies we all die. And they don't have enough people.
[ Because people think it's gardening and take it for granted that they have vegetables and breathable air. ]
[ She has the distinct urge to nudge him with the side of her shoe and say something like Imagine that, but the timing isn't really great so she just keeps it to herself, turns the tips of her toes inward instead and presses them into each other. Her voice, when she speaks up again, is the vocal equivalent of a shrug. ]
It isn't a bad idea. The have a whole major dedicated to being undeclared in college. Why not in space, too? [ As far as the idea of being in agriculture goes, it's true, she hadn't actually considered it, though now that he brings it up, it's with a whole different set of reasons outside of not wanting to be a farmer. ] I don't know the first thing about keeping an oxygen garden alive.
[ She doesn't mean to have a defeatist attitude; she just hasn't felt very confident about excelling at anything other than being a meat shield in a very long time. Also, this seems like a very odd turn in conversation, but sh still doesn't question it. ]
You're going to have to learn something no matter where you end up.
[ Gently said. Well. Gently for him.
He tries not to harp on people working and for the most part, he doesn't-- but with Claire he feels like she really needs to. Really. Because if she's working then he can find some way to be helpful, or talk to her about it, and then he'll feel less completely fucking insane about this whole thing.
(Also he just hates it when people don't work. On principle.) ]
You could figure it out. You're smarter than you seem to believe you are.
[ If she's being honest, there's a degree of self-aware embarrassment that comes creeping along every time she has this conversation with someone. In college, it had been sort of expected and understood - unless you were Annie - not to really have a direction, at least from the start. But here there's a sharpness to it that leaves her feeling somewhat inadequate despite her inability to make a decision. Her father runs Comms. Peter is in charge of Medical. Severus is so smart it's practically bleeding out of his eyeballs. Everyone she knows is exceptional at something, and she has not known what she was doing for the last two or three years as a general rule.
Is it bad to wait for something terrible to happen? At least then she feels useful.
And how the hell did they get on this topic anyway? ]
Thanks. [ She says it in a dubious way but doesn't seem any less grateful for the compliment. ] I know I need to find something. For something to do if nothing else. I just have no idea what I'm good at. I've never had much of a... trajectory, in that way. Do you know who's in charge of agriculture, off hand?
[ And by their powers combined... Claire isn't sure what she finds more interesting and, consequently, borderline amusing: the fact that he does career counseling or the fact that he gets angry letters. She knows which one she finds more believable. ]
Why, because you tell a lot of kids that they'd be better off as the magical equivalent of a McDonald's employee?
Sort of the opposite. Trying to get children to aim for something above the lowest bar.
[ Whether it's encouraging breaking away from the notion of being a kept housewife or embarking on something they're actually skilled at instead of what their parents want-- a lot of old families balk at his direction. Oh well.
[ Not that there's any heat behind it, though she wouldn't adequately classify it as teasing. Kind of like wanting to nudge him with her toe in a good-natured way but holding back at the last moment. Somehow, it just doesn't seem appropriate or practical given the circumstances. She can imagine parents of students encouraged - or, rather, maybe not exactly discouraged - to slack off coming up against him. She doesn't envy them.
More silence, and Claire doesn't move to stretch it or end it, unsure of where she hangs in the limbo of the conversation. Should she leave? Because he'd like it if she did or because she really just should? There's no determining factor there, and stubbornness, as has been standard, keeps her there, though she does pull her legs back to herself once more. She looks up at him, her curtain of hair - over-long for its cut - falls over her shoulders. ]
I probably should want you to, right? You've given me about a hundred chances to tell you to go away since I met you, and I know you want me to say yes to that. [ How's that for a non-answer. ] I would really appreciate it if you didn't. I'm getting tired of chasing you all over this damn ship.
[ She isn't asking him to, not entirely. If she expected him to be anyone else then this wouldn't be such an issue. Which is probably some kind of oxymoronic conundrum but right now there's no patience afforded to examine it. ]
I'm not expecting you to change at the drop of a hat. This, all of this, that was more than I expected. [ She brushes her legs off again, eager for something to do with her hands. ] You don't have to stick around, now, if you don't want. I could probably go see a guy about some gardening.
He needs-- breathing room. Silence. This has been a lot. He wanted her to know and, viscerally, he wanted her to yell and leave because that would have made sense. He doesn't know what's going to happen from now on, though. He needs to decompress. ]
[ Which feels a little like running the risk of leaving things on an uncertain note and falling back into prior habits, but she's going to take it at face value just this once. Claire gets to her feet, brushing her legs and backside off as she stands. Grass falls around her feet. She considers extending a hand and giving him a leg up but thinks better of it last minute, tucking her hands into her back pockets. From above him she offers a tight-lipped but pleasant smile. One of her hands works its way out of her pocket so that she can wave... from two feet away. ]
I'll see you later, Severus.
[ From there she can figure her way out on her own. And maybe everything else as well. ]
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What if I fuck it up? You can't think like that. There would be no point in even getting out of bed in the morning if everything depended on a 'what if.'
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[ Severus doesn't.
If he fucks up with her, she's someone else that hates him, or pities him (which is worse), just like everyone.
Everyone. ]
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[ Is out of her mouth before she has the wherewithal to trap it behind her teeth with a sharp bite down. She stares at him for a moment, feeling her eyebrows crease in the center, and then looks out over what she can see of the gardens in her immediate vicinity. ]
Right before I came here, I exposed myself and everyone else who might be like me or Nathan or Peter to the entire world. I have no idea what there is for me to fall back on, or for anyone else who might be different, for that matter. My life has been running and hiding from people who want to study me or use me or kill me. In some cases all of the above. And here - I'm still trying to figure out where I fit in, here.
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He does respect what she's been through. He doesn't brush it off.
But
he can't flip a switch and change a lifetime's worth of conditioning. She has Nathan and Peter and a home somewhere, and even if that all burns, she still will have had it. Severus can't even imagine what that's like, and he can't begin to articulate why it's such a privilege.
He doesn't know what to say. He's suddenly exhausted. ]
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Even so, she can recognize what she had and what she has and for as challenging as everything in her life has been and for as terrible as most things have turned out, she would take all of the ruin and heartache that comes along with it to feel as loved and warm and surrounded as she has, a hundred times over. Maybe that makes her stupid or masochistic, but what's the point if no one - if she - never tries? She might as well let herself roam the wasteland for the rest of forever unattached and wandering and eternal. ]
Anyway.
[ Although she knows better than to feel self-conscious, she still does, running her fingers along the backs of her legs to brush some of the shredded grass from her pants. Claire doesn't know what to say either. She can't articulate why, just as much as he can't. She can't rightfully say that she doesn't know because she does, but there's no way of enunciating it, no vocabulary she even really possesses for it. It's just there. ]
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Wow this is awkward they're both so great at people. ]
You should work in Agriculture.
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I think the bald patches in the grass that I just made might have something to say about that.
[ Super great at people. ]
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[ Severus fidgets his hands, briefly, but forces himself to stop. This is a complete cop-out subject but also not. Secretly. ]
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I was thinking about doing a tour of all the departments, kind of like internships. I think security registered at something like a negative twelve on the desire scale. Next to comms.
[ Not that both departments don't have their merits, Claire just thinks she could be useful somewhere that doesn't seem to encompass the age old tradition of walking around with a flashlight, not to mention her personal opinions on their involvement in things. And she doesn't want to work under Nathan. For a hundred reasons. ]
Why agriculture?
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If the oxygen garden dies we all die. And they don't have enough people.
[ Because people think it's gardening and take it for granted that they have vegetables and breathable air. ]
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It isn't a bad idea. The have a whole major dedicated to being undeclared in college. Why not in space, too? [ As far as the idea of being in agriculture goes, it's true, she hadn't actually considered it, though now that he brings it up, it's with a whole different set of reasons outside of not wanting to be a farmer. ] I don't know the first thing about keeping an oxygen garden alive.
[ She doesn't mean to have a defeatist attitude; she just hasn't felt very confident about excelling at anything other than being a meat shield in a very long time. Also, this seems like a very odd turn in conversation, but sh still doesn't question it. ]
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[ Gently said. Well. Gently for him.
He tries not to harp on people working and for the most part, he doesn't-- but with Claire he feels like she really needs to. Really. Because if she's working then he can find some way to be helpful, or talk to her about it, and then he'll feel less completely fucking insane about this whole thing.
(Also he just hates it when people don't work. On principle.) ]
You could figure it out. You're smarter than you seem to believe you are.
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Is it bad to wait for something terrible to happen? At least then she feels useful.
And how the hell did they get on this topic anyway? ]
Thanks. [ She says it in a dubious way but doesn't seem any less grateful for the compliment. ] I know I need to find something. For something to do if nothing else. I just have no idea what I'm good at. I've never had much of a... trajectory, in that way. Do you know who's in charge of agriculture, off hand?
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[ ... Yep. ]
I have to do career counseling. For my students.
[ He sounds like he's not sure if he should make that a punchline. But: ] I get a lot of angry letters from parents.
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[ And by their powers combined... Claire isn't sure what she finds more interesting and, consequently, borderline amusing: the fact that he does career counseling or the fact that he gets angry letters. She knows which one she finds more believable. ]
Why, because you tell a lot of kids that they'd be better off as the magical equivalent of a McDonald's employee?
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[ Whether it's encouraging breaking away from the notion of being a kept housewife or embarking on something they're actually skilled at instead of what their parents want-- a lot of old families balk at his direction. Oh well.
After a while, ] Do you want me to leave?
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[ Not that there's any heat behind it, though she wouldn't adequately classify it as teasing. Kind of like wanting to nudge him with her toe in a good-natured way but holding back at the last moment. Somehow, it just doesn't seem appropriate or practical given the circumstances. She can imagine parents of students encouraged - or, rather, maybe not exactly discouraged - to slack off coming up against him. She doesn't envy them.
More silence, and Claire doesn't move to stretch it or end it, unsure of where she hangs in the limbo of the conversation. Should she leave? Because he'd like it if she did or because she really just should? There's no determining factor there, and stubbornness, as has been standard, keeps her there, though she does pull her legs back to herself once more. She looks up at him, her curtain of hair - over-long for its cut - falls over her shoulders. ]
I probably should want you to, right? You've given me about a hundred chances to tell you to go away since I met you, and I know you want me to say yes to that. [ How's that for a non-answer. ] I would really appreciate it if you didn't. I'm getting tired of chasing you all over this damn ship.
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[ Not an argument. In fact it's-- an improvement. Implying he'll try to adapt at all is as close to a forward step as he's gotten so far.
All right, Claire. But she has to understand he can't transform into a different person overnight. ]
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I'm not expecting you to change at the drop of a hat. This, all of this, that was more than I expected. [ She brushes her legs off again, eager for something to do with her hands. ] You don't have to stick around, now, if you don't want. I could probably go see a guy about some gardening.
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He needs-- breathing room. Silence. This has been a lot. He wanted her to know and, viscerally, he wanted her to yell and leave because that would have made sense. He doesn't know what's going to happen from now on, though. He needs to decompress. ]
I'll see you soon, then.
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[ Which feels a little like running the risk of leaving things on an uncertain note and falling back into prior habits, but she's going to take it at face value just this once. Claire gets to her feet, brushing her legs and backside off as she stands. Grass falls around her feet. She considers extending a hand and giving him a leg up but thinks better of it last minute, tucking her hands into her back pockets. From above him she offers a tight-lipped but pleasant smile. One of her hands works its way out of her pocket so that she can wave... from two feet away. ]
I'll see you later, Severus.
[ From there she can figure her way out on her own. And maybe everything else as well. ]