[ This is going exactly the way he didn't want it to go. Not that he thought it'd really have the chance to go any other way, with Claire losing her mind about acceptances that were undeserved and apologies that shouldn't have been given to start with. He can't blame her, not even in the slightest. But Peter's already wrapped his mind around what's happened; it's everything else that just doesn't compute. Which is what makes it so damn hard to explain - he knows why and he knows why it happened to him but making that make sense for anyone else seems utterly absurd. ]
He apologized for Nathan. I think he apologized for everything he could apologize for, but it was Nathan that he... wouldn't stop saying it.
[ It's harder without Sylar here to back the words; a changed man for a changed mind but Peter could still hold onto his beliefs if only because it had been years. And because of so many other reasons. ]
We couldn't leave, Claire. The whole thing, it was up to me.
[ Claire makes a noise in the back of her throat that sounds distinctly like a scoff. She'd had her own alone time with the man in question back in Virginia, and even if they had managed not to murder each other, even if she'd developed some sort of bizarre tolerance for his general existence - not like he was going anywhere anytime soon, besides - that doesn't forgive all the shit that he's done to them.
But she tucks it away, most of it. Some of it still simmers at the front because she's an open book that way, especially with Peter. Heart on your sleeve, that kind of thing. She won't forgive him for Nathan the way that she won't forgive Parkman or even her father. You can put it aside, tuck it away, but it's always going to be there. ]
You mean you had to - you got the two of you out of there? [ Like a light, she recalls. ] I remember now. I remember standing on top of the Ferris Wheel and seeing the two of you.
[ She isn't accusing him, and there isn't an ounce of that in her tone, but the momentary stab of confusion she had felt before taking the plunge suddenly makes a little more sense in her head. ]
We were there. I had to get him out to save Emma. So he could save all of them.
[ It's a nearly rehearsed line and something that Peter still doesn't say lightly, if only because of the number of times he had to say it before now. The number of times he had to say it to Sylar in an attempt to cajole him into behaving himself, as if convincing him of the fact could change whether or not they were stuck in the middle of an empty city. But it had changed nothing until they were out, when they were finally able to make it a reality. ]
That's what I went in to get him in the first place. I'd dreamed about it- Sylar saving her. I needed his help, mom was just going to let her kill everyone, and then I got stuck for five years with a man I couldn't even begin to forgive. Not after what he'd done to Nathan. [ As always, everything is twisted together and difficult to untangle, rooted in their abysmal family in ways the both of them know. ]
But apparently, we only got to get out if I... moved on, I don't know. It was the only way I could break through the wall even if I still don't know if it was the right thing to do. But I was stuck with him for five years. Five years and all I had was him.
[ He paused for another second, willing the words to make some kind of sense. ] You know me, Claire. [ You know I can't do this alone. ]
[ It's so much to process. More than her brain might actually be able to, given what it's just been through. Claire balks at the idea of Sylar being able to save anyone. She's seen his stints at redemption, and it's ended up with her dead on a slab somewhere, with Nathan dead, with some warped sense of... whatever it is he constitutes it as. There had not been one second that she regretted leaving him to burn in that building, save for the minute she wished she would have pushed that piece of glass deeper into his skull. She doesn't even have enough room to be angry at Angela, right now. She's too small a girl to possibly contain so much resentment.
Distantly, she wonders if this is similar to how Peter felt in Kirby Plaza. ]
Down there in the corridors, I somehow ended up back in my house, in California. It was so strange. It was like... nothing was out of place, nothing had changed. I was right back where I've been wanting to be since before I even got here. Except it was... it was like when he came and - [ Claire doesn't actually possess the vocabulary. How do you describe that kind of violation? That kind of responsibility that has set in as a result of what she was incapable of stopping? The only way she knows how is - ] I know you. You aren't alone, Peter.
[ As if she could ever leave him to deal with something alone. ]
[ He doesn't know how to relate - to the sort of overwhelming anger that seems willing to eat you alive, yes, but not with what happened on the ship. He feels far too distant, as if those five plus years away left him hung out to dry, now wondering how the hell he's supposed to come back to this world without always being just a little disjointed. But he has to be here in full, he has to find a way to live with the forgiveness he's doled out and he has to remember how to be here and there all at once.
But most of all he has to remember what it's like to have someone that isn't Sylar. He's goddamn mind-melded with the man, there's no way to disconnect. Worst of all, there's no way to explain it all without pushing himself even further away. ]
Are you okay?
[ He might not be alone, but he has to ask it. Not because he thinks he can fix it if she isn't, but he wants to be there as much as he can; he wants to believe he can still be a part of this family. ] Did you find your way back out or did the ship do it for you?
sorry got a little busy this weekend/computer issues
[ What she isn't or is reading between the lines, Claire can't be sure. She knows that she's more seething anger and resentment than a lot of people, that she has a fuze that burns and that when it explodes, the results can be catastrophic. In Peter's quiet pauses, she can't be sure what she infers, but she doesn't want to think on it too much. Everything is still too close, too loud, the memory of her California home too bright and immediate when she closes her eyes. It's easier to focus on the questions. ]
I'm fine. [ It isn't a lie, but that's what she always says. She's fine. She's okay. She's always okay and she's always going to be okay. Has to. ] I made it out on my own, but I couldn't tell you how, so maybe it was the ship just deciding that I'd had enough. Some of the things down there.
[ She doesn't need to finish that thought for him to understand, she's sure. ]
[ Peter wishes there wasn't anything to be read between the lines. That there wasn't anything more than distaste and horror running through his veins, a severe hatred for Sylar stamping out his intuitions just like it had always been. If only it where that simple; take back five years and give him something easier to stand all at once. But that's not how time wore on and it's not how things panned out - nothing's been simple for them in far too long and for once, Peter knows there's no way to fix it. He can't take back the decisions that've been made and the thing's he had to do by way of sacrificing everything else.
If only she really was fine, maybe Peter would feel a little more put together as he tries to find his words. ]
No way to know apart from thinking the ship even has enough of a heart to pull you out before it got to be too much. [ Peter pauses for a second, rechecking his words. ] Not that anything really cares about how much we're all willing to endure.
[ Claire snorts derisively, taking a few moments to stay quiet and pick at the ends of her hair. ]
Honestly, I wouldn't put it past the ship to pull us out of the fray just because it got bored with the current torture session and decided it has something better in mind further down the line.
[ It's easier to talk about the ship than it is to talk about Peter being stuck somewhere that no one could reach him, that she couldn't. And what was she doing at that point? Running around the countryside, trying to parse through her impressions of Samuel, gearing up to expose everyone? There's no use in feeling guilty about it now, she realizes, while she takes a breath and lets it out, frustrated. ]
How is it that people have been stuck here for so long and still haven't managed to figure it out?
Because they get a little wrapped up in what's happening now. What they're in the middle of.
[ Though, he almost laughed at Claire's idea of the going's ons. Almost. Peter doesn't really do the laughing thing (a fact he knows Claire is aware of) but it's still sadistically humorous in all the wrong kind of ways. The sad kind of ways. ]
I think it's always got something better coming. Why people think that it's gonna stop anytime soon is beyond me, but i'd be hard pressed to believe it hasn't got things planned out for a good long while. It's ahead of everyone on board and it's got a backseat pass into everything. What it doesn't plan all it has to do is find out.
[ Peter's just running with his own thoughts; nothing that he's thought about too much but simple theories that he still manages to believe in. Not that they're even theories so much as what-should-be-obvious's but maybe it isn't to some people. Peter just doesn't know those people; or maybe he doesn't remember them. ]
Nathan could say it better. [ Because that's not a slight shift of topics. ]
I keep meaning to go back through the Network, look at everything, try to help, but...
[ But if people like Nathan or Peter or Severus haven't managed to figure it out, how is she expected to? Privately, Claire thinks this ship business plays a little like some of Lyle's video games. Too bad she never paid any real amount of attention to any of them. She finds it inherently difficult not to go charging in without even bothering to look over her shoulder, the same way that she would have faced any issue that they needed to deal with at home. All the hesitation she had experienced at one point or another has gone.
The action isn't what scares her. These quiet moments, hushed topics, like discussing the dead, are what really make her nervous. ]
Nathan could say it with a more political spin. [ But she isn't disagreeing. ] How are you, with that?
[ With Nathan, with all of it. She knows he's spoken a little bit of Sylar's position in all of this, but she's not going to forget the desperate look on Peter's face after the funeral, both of them bloody and him just completely lost. ]
Peter freezes, as well as anyone over the phone can freeze, not saying anything for long seconds that leave him feeling as if he's creating his own personal dead air. It's almost easier to talk about Sylar than it is to talk about this, if only because he has no idea how to confront himself. It's like looking at his past through a mirror and seeing the very worst of what he's done shining through. There's nothing simple about it, but when is anything easy - he's already gone over that.
This ship isn't easy, their live aren't easy, and Nathan's apparent inability to stay dead is something that's going to kill Peter if he doesn't watch where he's going. ]
I'm not okay with any of it. [ Oh jesus christ, he's not going to get choked up about this while simultaneously sounding like an asshole. He takes another second, because he doesn't want it to sound all wrong, but he's not sure how to twist his words until they make sense, either. ]
I don't know how to have him back- I don't know how to do this. I can't tell him anything about Sylar, I can't explain anything, and there he is. Just telling me I should stay in comm's for a few days until I get my act together. He's just there. And i'm not mad at him for it, i'd rather have him alive than dead, but accepting it- I can't do it again.
[ She knows all of it. This constant conflict right underneath your breastbone, a hundred thousand words just trying to get out but no possible way of actually putting them together to form coherent sentences. It's terrible, but some of the pressure in being the only one to have experienced that secret lessens, and she feels a connection with Peter that she hasn't pinged so strongly in what feels like forever, like they're shouldering this burden that they always do, the lines of their shoulders hard against the backdrop of whatever destruction is looming up behind them. ]
I know. [ She says that because it's the only thing she can say, for a moment. ] It's - I can't even - I wouldn't even know where to begin explaining how to push through it. You just have to... you have to just keep pushing. The hardest part is not knowing if it any of it's real, if it's permanent. But we can get each other through it, just like always. Just... please don't sit around listening to police scanners and jumping into hostage situations.
[ Her tone is trying for a joke, gently, testing the water, but she's serious, too. She can't lose Peter, not now. ]
[ There's something in knowing he doesn't have to be the only one. He might have guilt stacked in weights a mile high, a record of Nathan's face marking each one, but he has someone to stand with in a front against their own lives. Its nigh unbearable, that Nathan has become something to be withstood but it's not so much the man as it is the loss of the space he occupies. And within that is all the problems it creates; each person who finds Nathan important is one more that Peter knows can't possibly understand.
This place has once more made room for a space that only Claire can fill because she's the one that knows. She's the only one who brought Peter back. ]
Don't think I could take on another one? Thought I handled my first one pretty well. Besides, I don't think we've even got any police scanners sitting around, unless I wanted to keep my comm broadcasting the latest reels of information... not a bad idea, actually. [ Peter's teasing right back (sort of) because he knows he has to; because it's the only thing keeping him standing - to know they both have to shoulder through this as long as they're doing it together. But he can't keep the humor around for long, either. ]
Claire, if I stop and think that this is real now, that it's permanent- [ Peter's at a loss for words, needing actions to replicate his feelings when he knows there are none he can take. ] I don't want him to stay dead. But I only just accepted that he is. I moved on, I can't believe I ever- [ Don't say it. ] I can't believe that he's both, even if there's nothing stopping it from being real.
[ She can't even admonish him those habits with any amount of sincerity that isn't hypocritical. After all, she's been berating her friends - how weird is that, to have multiple - for the entire duration of the ship's last descent into madness for running into things they don't stand a chance against and instead asking them to allow her to take the brunt of things. Claire supposes that she gets that from him, or maybe it's some inherent trait that runs through their bloodline. There's no way of being sure. Either way, she makes a soft sound, like a snort, as amused as it's not, sort of jaded and resigned. Instead of parsing through what she's feeling, she settles on frustration, or at least exasperation, because - ]
That's exactly - that's how I felt, the second that I saw him. You can't... I couldn't figure out how to relate those two ideas with each other, when we'd just buried him so soon before I showed up here. [ If she's being honest, Claire still isn't sure she's managed to marry those two ideas. ] It made it felt like all that grieving didn't matter, especially when I didn't know what was going on, being here. Now, it doesn't make it any less real, it doesn't make it matter any less, but it makes it - [ An exhale, sharp and loud. ] - it's just hard. You would think with the way our world works, maybe we would get used to it. There's no getting used to it.
[ Sometimes Peter wants to go back to the moment where he first met Claire and impress upon the fact that she saved him from his solitude. That she was the one that brought him back from the fear of a life spent alone; away from a brother who refused to understand and a family that filled his head with lies of an illness he couldn't possibly have. Because instead of feeling crazy, around Claire he only ever feels sane. Like they're able to fit their thoughts together and somehow become a reasonable human - except for all those times they do really stupid shit - one that makes sense and feels a deeper sense of reality. Claire always solidified things, grounded him back down, reminded him that he was someone he could see in others. ]
I'm just glad Nathan doesn't want an explanation, because I don't have one to give. At least one that he'd understand - I don't even know if he'd be able to stomach it. But he shouldn't have to, either. Shouldn't have to hear about what happens after his own death. [ Peter's shaking his head, even if it can't be seen, thinking through ideas as he's saying them. ]
You're right, it doesn't- Being back here with Nathan doesn't make our mourning mean anything less. It doesn't make anything we went through less real, but it doesn't make Nathan less real either. It'll be treating him like he's just Nathan that'll be the hard part. I know he knows, but he doesn't need to live with the idea of it, either. [ He pauses to exhale; strained. ] But I don't think I can watch him die a second time.
[ He's right, of course, that has been the hardest part: looking at Nathan and knowing what's coming and being unsure of how to step around him. She lost him just when she was getting to know him, and resigned herself to never having the opportunity. She and Peter are two sides of the same coin, in that respect. He's had years and decades to know him and lost him over a prolonged period that shouldn't have happened to begin with, and she barely knew Nathan and lost him all the same. Now they're back at the middle again and no matter how much they're able to ground each other, in some ways it's never going to be quite enough. ]
I could say that it gets easier, and in some ways it does. Everything we do involves adapting, even the hard stuff. But you don't forget it. It doesn't ever go away. Every time I look at him, it's all I can think about. You just have to... I don't know, Peter. You just have to. [ And as for that last bit. ] He's not gonna die a second time, not here. He's got you and me to make sure of it.
[ It might be a false promise. Neither of them can determine or dictate what the ship decides. They can try, though. The future not being written in stone, and all that. ]
ikr now if only i could stay up late and still sleep a lot
Think we can keep him from going out and getting himself involved? The same guy who stormed the bridge and was at the front of the line?
[ Peter almost sounds amused but it's equal parts worry strewn through the words. If it was all that easy, they would've managed it already but with a brother that was once in the military and then dove head first into politics, the idea of keeping Nathan out of trouble seems almost ridiculous. But maybe it's simpler than he thinks it is; maybe Claire and Peter are enough to make Nathan stop and take a step back, to not be the one at the front of the line if only because they both can't take the hit of losing him another time. ]
I don't know, seems like that'll be the hardest part out of all of this. Ignoring fate all over again and making a new path- doesn't matter how many times he nearly died back home, this'll be something different. We'll make it be different, we've done it before. We'll make sure he doesn't go out and start finding as much trouble as he can, i'll- I don't know, i'll keep him from thinking he's still twenty. Man's gotta know his limits. [ He snorts; Petrelli's don't really know their limits, not ever. They walk all over them and keep going just to prove a point, but it's worth a shot. ]
[ Claire mirrors his tone. Even she knows that's impossible, and shouldn't try to stop him. But she would try to stand in front of him. And if it comes down to it, Claire isn't afraid to use that playing card to try and stop him from doing something similar to stepping in front of a train. ]
If it helps, I can remind him that he's old enough to have a daughter that's over eighteen. [ She's joking, which seems inappropriate, but sometimes you have to say something funny. Especially between the two of them. Things get way too serious way too fast. ] We don't have to stop him from doing anything that he's done before, just... we do what we always do for each other. We keep an eye out.
exactly! i want my four hours of sleep a night back
[ Ish. Peter isn't sure how well he's going to be able to keep that up, instead wanting to put himself in the line of fire in front of Nathan whenever possible. But his big brother is damn good at putting a target on his back by standing the tallest of them all and Peter, as usual, just isn't sure sure he'll be able to keep up. Even for Nathan's sake. ]
And hey, whatever you can tell him to help, I'll take it. It's not like he's going to feel all that bad for a brother who's almost in his- [ Those birthday's counted but they won't make sense to anyone but him. That doesn't mean it isn't a strain; something so simple turning around to bite him in the ass. ] -thirties. You'll give him more of a reason than I will. [ Especially since he wasn't reason enough the first time. ]
[ Claire doesn't put much faith in her own ability to discourage Nathan from doing anything. Experience dictates otherwise far too much. He's a freight train barreling down the tracks to whatever destination he has in mind, and she's just standing in front of it, trying to push it backward with outstretched palms.
Sometimes, though, maybe something she's said or done has switched the track at the last minute. ]
You mean about how you're getting old? [ The curl at the corner of her mouth reminds her that maybe now isn't the time to be teasing. ] No, I haven't been able to figure out how to bring any of it up. Even more than just... what happens. Just... any of it.
[ She's tried, a couple times, but something has always set her back. ]
[ He says it like a guy who's a little behind on the whole getting teased thing, like the only torment that's come his way as of late has been unwanted or nonexistent. Its not like he doesn't know how to tease back but he sure as hell feels a little left out, like he's not quite sure what path he's on and which way he's supposed to be going.
But dealing with Nathan is such a different beast that Peter can hardly stand it. His brother's an entity that he's grown used to thinking is gone, even if it's the last thing he wanted, that to now have to figure out how to put up with him all over again is a testament to their ability to stand tall despite the odds. Petrelli blood is a funny thing; useful at the worst of times. ]
He asked me about his own funeral. Like he was asking about the weather.
[ Peter's kind of ashamed by his own answer, second guessing whether or not he should've spilled the whole ordeal or not. Maybe it would've been better, taken care of it now instead of later when Nathan'll ask again. But Peter's just not sure and what's done is done. ]
[ There's nothing to be ashamed of in saying nothing. Believing as much would make Claire a hypocrite of the highest degree. It's this nebulous unknown that they tiptoe around without ever crossing into, each one of them as unsure as the next. Claire can't find anything to fault. ]
I'm not surprised that he asked. [ Her tone suggestions the truth in that. ] In the context of being here... I'm not sure that it really matters. There's no... undoing it. Just means that everything in between counts that much more.
If he asks again, i'd take telling him about his funeral over what's happened since then. I mean, not about you but about Sylar. [ But Peter's not even sure that's true and it leaves him silent for a few more seconds. He has no idea what he'd tell Nathan, and he's not entirely sure if it's to protect his brother or himself. ]
We can keep him from finding anything out, but i'm not sure what the point's gonna be for too long. He wants to know what's happened, he'll what to know what's happened to us without him. I know it's his only chance to find out but I don't... I can't just tell him my life's gone on without him in it. I know it's what he'll want to hear but I can't say it.
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He apologized for Nathan. I think he apologized for everything he could apologize for, but it was Nathan that he... wouldn't stop saying it.
[ It's harder without Sylar here to back the words; a changed man for a changed mind but Peter could still hold onto his beliefs if only because it had been years. And because of so many other reasons. ]
We couldn't leave, Claire. The whole thing, it was up to me.
no subject
But she tucks it away, most of it. Some of it still simmers at the front because she's an open book that way, especially with Peter. Heart on your sleeve, that kind of thing. She won't forgive him for Nathan the way that she won't forgive Parkman or even her father. You can put it aside, tuck it away, but it's always going to be there. ]
You mean you had to - you got the two of you out of there? [ Like a light, she recalls. ] I remember now. I remember standing on top of the Ferris Wheel and seeing the two of you.
[ She isn't accusing him, and there isn't an ounce of that in her tone, but the momentary stab of confusion she had felt before taking the plunge suddenly makes a little more sense in her head. ]
no subject
[ It's a nearly rehearsed line and something that Peter still doesn't say lightly, if only because of the number of times he had to say it before now. The number of times he had to say it to Sylar in an attempt to cajole him into behaving himself, as if convincing him of the fact could change whether or not they were stuck in the middle of an empty city. But it had changed nothing until they were out, when they were finally able to make it a reality. ]
That's what I went in to get him in the first place. I'd dreamed about it- Sylar saving her. I needed his help, mom was just going to let her kill everyone, and then I got stuck for five years with a man I couldn't even begin to forgive. Not after what he'd done to Nathan. [ As always, everything is twisted together and difficult to untangle, rooted in their abysmal family in ways the both of them know. ]
But apparently, we only got to get out if I... moved on, I don't know. It was the only way I could break through the wall even if I still don't know if it was the right thing to do. But I was stuck with him for five years. Five years and all I had was him.
[ He paused for another second, willing the words to make some kind of sense. ] You know me, Claire. [ You know I can't do this alone. ]
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Distantly, she wonders if this is similar to how Peter felt in Kirby Plaza. ]
Down there in the corridors, I somehow ended up back in my house, in California. It was so strange. It was like... nothing was out of place, nothing had changed. I was right back where I've been wanting to be since before I even got here. Except it was... it was like when he came and - [ Claire doesn't actually possess the vocabulary. How do you describe that kind of violation? That kind of responsibility that has set in as a result of what she was incapable of stopping? The only way she knows how is - ] I know you. You aren't alone, Peter.
[ As if she could ever leave him to deal with something alone. ]
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But most of all he has to remember what it's like to have someone that isn't Sylar. He's goddamn mind-melded with the man, there's no way to disconnect. Worst of all, there's no way to explain it all without pushing himself even further away. ]
Are you okay?
[ He might not be alone, but he has to ask it. Not because he thinks he can fix it if she isn't, but he wants to be there as much as he can; he wants to believe he can still be a part of this family. ] Did you find your way back out or did the ship do it for you?
sorry got a little busy this weekend/computer issues
I'm fine. [ It isn't a lie, but that's what she always says. She's fine. She's okay. She's always okay and she's always going to be okay. Has to. ] I made it out on my own, but I couldn't tell you how, so maybe it was the ship just deciding that I'd had enough. Some of the things down there.
[ She doesn't need to finish that thought for him to understand, she's sure. ]
pssshhh no apologies necessary
If only she really was fine, maybe Peter would feel a little more put together as he tries to find his words. ]
No way to know apart from thinking the ship even has enough of a heart to pull you out before it got to be too much. [ Peter pauses for a second, rechecking his words. ] Not that anything really cares about how much we're all willing to endure.
/rolls into your arms
Honestly, I wouldn't put it past the ship to pull us out of the fray just because it got bored with the current torture session and decided it has something better in mind further down the line.
[ It's easier to talk about the ship than it is to talk about Peter being stuck somewhere that no one could reach him, that she couldn't. And what was she doing at that point? Running around the countryside, trying to parse through her impressions of Samuel, gearing up to expose everyone? There's no use in feeling guilty about it now, she realizes, while she takes a breath and lets it out, frustrated. ]
How is it that people have been stuck here for so long and still haven't managed to figure it out?
/wraps up!!
[ Though, he almost laughed at Claire's idea of the going's ons. Almost. Peter doesn't really do the laughing thing (a fact he knows Claire is aware of) but it's still sadistically humorous in all the wrong kind of ways. The sad kind of ways. ]
I think it's always got something better coming. Why people think that it's gonna stop anytime soon is beyond me, but i'd be hard pressed to believe it hasn't got things planned out for a good long while. It's ahead of everyone on board and it's got a backseat pass into everything. What it doesn't plan all it has to do is find out.
[ Peter's just running with his own thoughts; nothing that he's thought about too much but simple theories that he still manages to believe in. Not that they're even theories so much as what-should-be-obvious's but maybe it isn't to some people. Peter just doesn't know those people; or maybe he doesn't remember them. ]
Nathan could say it better. [ Because that's not a slight shift of topics. ]
eeeeee
[ But if people like Nathan or Peter or Severus haven't managed to figure it out, how is she expected to? Privately, Claire thinks this ship business plays a little like some of Lyle's video games. Too bad she never paid any real amount of attention to any of them. She finds it inherently difficult not to go charging in without even bothering to look over her shoulder, the same way that she would have faced any issue that they needed to deal with at home. All the hesitation she had experienced at one point or another has gone.
The action isn't what scares her. These quiet moments, hushed topics, like discussing the dead, are what really make her nervous. ]
Nathan could say it with a more political spin. [ But she isn't disagreeing. ] How are you, with that?
[ With Nathan, with all of it. She knows he's spoken a little bit of Sylar's position in all of this, but she's not going to forget the desperate look on Peter's face after the funeral, both of them bloody and him just completely lost. ]
jfkl; you're awfully lovely
Peter freezes, as well as anyone over the phone can freeze, not saying anything for long seconds that leave him feeling as if he's creating his own personal dead air. It's almost easier to talk about Sylar than it is to talk about this, if only because he has no idea how to confront himself. It's like looking at his past through a mirror and seeing the very worst of what he's done shining through. There's nothing simple about it, but when is anything easy - he's already gone over that.
This ship isn't easy, their live aren't easy, and Nathan's apparent inability to stay dead is something that's going to kill Peter if he doesn't watch where he's going. ]
I'm not okay with any of it. [ Oh jesus christ, he's not going to get choked up about this while simultaneously sounding like an asshole. He takes another second, because he doesn't want it to sound all wrong, but he's not sure how to twist his words until they make sense, either. ]
I don't know how to have him back- I don't know how to do this. I can't tell him anything about Sylar, I can't explain anything, and there he is. Just telling me I should stay in comm's for a few days until I get my act together. He's just there. And i'm not mad at him for it, i'd rather have him alive than dead, but accepting it- I can't do it again.
Couldn't even do it the first time.
alkjf no u
I know. [ She says that because it's the only thing she can say, for a moment. ] It's - I can't even - I wouldn't even know where to begin explaining how to push through it. You just have to... you have to just keep pushing. The hardest part is not knowing if it any of it's real, if it's permanent. But we can get each other through it, just like always. Just... please don't sit around listening to police scanners and jumping into hostage situations.
[ Her tone is trying for a joke, gently, testing the water, but she's serious, too. She can't lose Peter, not now. ]
no no U
This place has once more made room for a space that only Claire can fill because she's the one that knows. She's the only one who brought Peter back. ]
Don't think I could take on another one? Thought I handled my first one pretty well. Besides, I don't think we've even got any police scanners sitting around, unless I wanted to keep my comm broadcasting the latest reels of information... not a bad idea, actually. [ Peter's teasing right back (sort of) because he knows he has to; because it's the only thing keeping him standing - to know they both have to shoulder through this as long as they're doing it together. But he can't keep the humor around for long, either. ]
Claire, if I stop and think that this is real now, that it's permanent- [ Peter's at a loss for words, needing actions to replicate his feelings when he knows there are none he can take. ] I don't want him to stay dead. But I only just accepted that he is. I moved on, I can't believe I ever- [ Don't say it. ] I can't believe that he's both, even if there's nothing stopping it from being real.
i am lovely until i fall asleep
That's exactly - that's how I felt, the second that I saw him. You can't... I couldn't figure out how to relate those two ideas with each other, when we'd just buried him so soon before I showed up here. [ If she's being honest, Claire still isn't sure she's managed to marry those two ideas. ] It made it felt like all that grieving didn't matter, especially when I didn't know what was going on, being here. Now, it doesn't make it any less real, it doesn't make it matter any less, but it makes it - [ An exhale, sharp and loud. ] - it's just hard. You would think with the way our world works, maybe we would get used to it. There's no getting used to it.
PFFF i guess you're allowed to do that
[ Sometimes Peter wants to go back to the moment where he first met Claire and impress upon the fact that she saved him from his solitude. That she was the one that brought him back from the fear of a life spent alone; away from a brother who refused to understand and a family that filled his head with lies of an illness he couldn't possibly have. Because instead of feeling crazy, around Claire he only ever feels sane. Like they're able to fit their thoughts together and somehow become a reasonable human - except for all those times they do really stupid shit - one that makes sense and feels a deeper sense of reality. Claire always solidified things, grounded him back down, reminded him that he was someone he could see in others. ]
I'm just glad Nathan doesn't want an explanation, because I don't have one to give. At least one that he'd understand - I don't even know if he'd be able to stomach it. But he shouldn't have to, either. Shouldn't have to hear about what happens after his own death. [ Peter's shaking his head, even if it can't be seen, thinking through ideas as he's saying them. ]
You're right, it doesn't- Being back here with Nathan doesn't make our mourning mean anything less. It doesn't make anything we went through less real, but it doesn't make Nathan less real either. It'll be treating him like he's just Nathan that'll be the hard part. I know he knows, but he doesn't need to live with the idea of it, either. [ He pauses to exhale; strained. ] But I don't think I can watch him die a second time.
oh good because i do love to sleep
I could say that it gets easier, and in some ways it does. Everything we do involves adapting, even the hard stuff. But you don't forget it. It doesn't ever go away. Every time I look at him, it's all I can think about. You just have to... I don't know, Peter. You just have to. [ And as for that last bit. ] He's not gonna die a second time, not here. He's got you and me to make sure of it.
[ It might be a false promise. Neither of them can determine or dictate what the ship decides. They can try, though. The future not being written in stone, and all that. ]
ikr now if only i could stay up late and still sleep a lot
[ Peter almost sounds amused but it's equal parts worry strewn through the words. If it was all that easy, they would've managed it already but with a brother that was once in the military and then dove head first into politics, the idea of keeping Nathan out of trouble seems almost ridiculous. But maybe it's simpler than he thinks it is; maybe Claire and Peter are enough to make Nathan stop and take a step back, to not be the one at the front of the line if only because they both can't take the hit of losing him another time. ]
I don't know, seems like that'll be the hardest part out of all of this. Ignoring fate all over again and making a new path- doesn't matter how many times he nearly died back home, this'll be something different. We'll make it be different, we've done it before. We'll make sure he doesn't go out and start finding as much trouble as he can, i'll- I don't know, i'll keep him from thinking he's still twenty. Man's gotta know his limits. [ He snorts; Petrelli's don't really know their limits, not ever. They walk all over them and keep going just to prove a point, but it's worth a shot. ]
right. like in the days of our youth
[ Claire mirrors his tone. Even she knows that's impossible, and shouldn't try to stop him. But she would try to stand in front of him. And if it comes down to it, Claire isn't afraid to use that playing card to try and stop him from doing something similar to stepping in front of a train. ]
If it helps, I can remind him that he's old enough to have a daughter that's over eighteen. [ She's joking, which seems inappropriate, but sometimes you have to say something funny. Especially between the two of them. Things get way too serious way too fast. ] We don't have to stop him from doing anything that he's done before, just... we do what we always do for each other. We keep an eye out.
exactly! i want my four hours of sleep a night back
[ Ish. Peter isn't sure how well he's going to be able to keep that up, instead wanting to put himself in the line of fire in front of Nathan whenever possible. But his big brother is damn good at putting a target on his back by standing the tallest of them all and Peter, as usual, just isn't sure sure he'll be able to keep up. Even for Nathan's sake. ]
And hey, whatever you can tell him to help, I'll take it. It's not like he's going to feel all that bad for a brother who's almost in his- [ Those birthday's counted but they won't make sense to anyone but him. That doesn't mean it isn't a strain; something so simple turning around to bite him in the ass. ] -thirties. You'll give him more of a reason than I will. [ Especially since he wasn't reason enough the first time. ]
Have you told him anything?
me too ;; instead of like 11 hours
Sometimes, though, maybe something she's said or done has switched the track at the last minute. ]
You mean about how you're getting old? [ The curl at the corner of her mouth reminds her that maybe now isn't the time to be teasing. ] No, I haven't been able to figure out how to bring any of it up. Even more than just... what happens. Just... any of it.
[ She's tried, a couple times, but something has always set her back. ]
ikrikr IF ONLY
[ He says it like a guy who's a little behind on the whole getting teased thing, like the only torment that's come his way as of late has been unwanted or nonexistent. Its not like he doesn't know how to tease back but he sure as hell feels a little left out, like he's not quite sure what path he's on and which way he's supposed to be going.
But dealing with Nathan is such a different beast that Peter can hardly stand it. His brother's an entity that he's grown used to thinking is gone, even if it's the last thing he wanted, that to now have to figure out how to put up with him all over again is a testament to their ability to stand tall despite the odds. Petrelli blood is a funny thing; useful at the worst of times. ]
He asked me about his own funeral. Like he was asking about the weather.
UGH SORRY WORK IS EATING ME
What did you tell him?
WHAT'RE YOU SORRY FOR CRAZY
[ Peter's kind of ashamed by his own answer, second guessing whether or not he should've spilled the whole ordeal or not. Maybe it would've been better, taken care of it now instead of later when Nathan'll ask again. But Peter's just not sure and what's done is done. ]
I couldn't just tell him about his own eulogy.
BEING THE SLOWEST TO EVER SLOW
I'm not surprised that he asked. [ Her tone suggestions the truth in that. ] In the context of being here... I'm not sure that it really matters. There's no... undoing it. Just means that everything in between counts that much more.
OH MY GAAWWD YOU ARE NOT SLOW AT ALL SHOOSH
We can keep him from finding anything out, but i'm not sure what the point's gonna be for too long. He wants to know what's happened, he'll what to know what's happened to us without him. I know it's his only chance to find out but I don't... I can't just tell him my life's gone on without him in it. I know it's what he'll want to hear but I can't say it.
and then i replied three days later
and then i still adored you anyway
/rolls on
/gift wraps
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